Who Finishes Last?

A friend of mine repeated the common saying - Good guys finish last. What do you think? Do you think the person that is always doing the "good" thing gets the shaft? I have to think that's not true. I have to think that I should always do the right thing and things will work out. It's hard though, when the wrong thing is like a billboard you have to drive by everyday. Then there are instigators like temptation and bait to try to convince us to do the wrong thing. Nope, I'm going to do the right thing, and if I don't get what I want, then maybe I just wasn't meant to have it. Touche.

Running

I've been running on this cross-country journey, not really knowing where I was going. Running, because it's good for me to exercise and I figured that my legs would take me somewhere. Maybe I would follow the flow of the river or maybe I would see a fork in the road and because I was running I wouldn't have time to think - I'd just pick which way to go. Maybe I've been waiting for the wind to blow a certain way as a hint to where I should go. But now I know where I want to go, and even though I'm not in charge of the path I take to get me there I have a sense of direction. And now I want to run even faster to see this other side of the rainbow - to experience all that I've been wishing for, but the faster I run, the farther away I get from all that is common to me. And I'm scared to be far because I like where I've been - I like the people that were there and the nest I started to build, and moving further away means starting all over. You would think that nomads don't get attached to things when they know they will pick up and leave, but you have to take root somewhere, even if it is for one day. So will my run turn into a jog? Time can not be hurried and it's important to spend the time now with the ones we soon will leave. But I also have to stretch and take time to prepare me for the new adventures ahead. Sigh, the paradox of running. Seems like even when you run towards something you are running away from something else.

There IS a reason

I truly believe that everything in life happens for a reason. We may not always know what that reason is, but there is a purpose in the happenings of ordinary people. This has got to be the most challenging year by far, and just when I think the challenges are over BOOM, yet another one. And I'm confused on my role in this is - what am I supposed to do? what does it mean? Yet, I have to believe that in the end things will work out. I am sometimes at a loss for words as to what to say or what to think but words come to my mouth and thoughts to my head. I am so thankful at this present moment - which is ironic, because so many things seem to be going wrong. But I am thankful for meeting people that make me see the reasons or pieces of what the bigger picture looks like. People don't just come into your life by accident and we are all a dominoe effect of events waiting to happen. It's like when you are going through something and you meet someone who you just click with and they seem very understanding. Five months later you find out they went through the same thing which is why they could relate so well to you and BAM there is your reason for meeting them. I have no control over the things that other people do or say or feel, but I do feel comfort in the fact that situations and people are strategically being placed in my life to help me with these obstacles. From something as simple as a great conversation giving you the motivation to do great work the next day, to networking for the career of your life in the bank elevator, things always seem to "coincidentally" happen.

I hope this makes sense to you, because it's bright as day to me. With all the stuff going on around me - tornadoes, hurricanes, tsunamis of drama- I am happy. And it may only last for a moment before another situation comes along, but why do we keep worrying about tomorrow? Tomorrow will come, so let it. You never chase a boomerang, do you? No (I hope you don't) because you know that it will come back to you. Stop chasing the future. Live in the here and now. Just BE.

Bottom of the Barrel

Have you ever thought that things were bad? Horrible? And you couldn't see the light at the end of the tunnel? The funny thing is that at some point things are so bad that they couldn't possibly get any worse. And you know that the only way out is up. But when are you at the bottom of the barrel? When you are heading up you know, but how do you know if you are going down or at the bottom? That is the hard part. Waiting. Knowing, but waiting to see if things get better or worse, because when the worse is over there's nothing more to happen but better days. It's like going down a rollercoaster - you can't wait for that feeling to be over, but you know that it will be over.
:)

Simple Pleasures

1. Picking apples from an orchard.
2. Singing along with the radio with the windows down in the car.
3. Singing and dancing in the rain.
4. Funny phone conversations - "he picked up the wooden spatula . . ." (lol)
5. Guitar lessons from friends ;)
6. Seeing a newborn baby.
7. Reading a book for pleasure.
8. Causing the smile on someone's face.
9. Colorful flowers in your living room.
10. Knowing that there are more simple pleasures in life.

:)

Playlist

Let me explain what I mean by playlist. My playlist tells a story. This one is just the titles. They express what I'm thinking/feeling. But the lyrics also reinforce those thoughts.

Last week my playlist consisted of:

1. Accidentally in Love ~Counting Crows
2. I wish I wasn't (in love with you) ~Heather Headley
3. Tu Amor Me Hace Bien ~Marc Anthony
4. La Tortura ~Shakira
5. Never Keeping Secrets ~Babyface

And now, with some careful thinking and reflection, my playlist is:

1. I'm good ~Blaque
2. I'm not your girl ~Lalaine
3. Thankful ~Kelly Clarkson
4. I believe ~Yolanda Adams
5. Baby it's cold outside ~Ella Fitzgerald
6. Crush ~Jennifer Paige
7. Miss Independent ~Kelly Clarkson
8. Make It Happen ~Mariah Carey
9. Never Keeping Secrets ~Babyface

:)
So what's on your playlist?

I Believe

Song to get you through:

I believe by Yolanda Adams (Honey Soundtrack)
They said you wouldn't make is so far uh uh
And ever since they said it, it's been hard
But nevermind the nights you had to cry
Cause you have never let it go inside
You worked real hard
And you know exactly what you want and need
So believe and you can never give up
You can reach your goals
Just talk to your soul and say…

(Chorus:)
I believe I can (I can)
I believe I will (I will)
I believe I know my dreams are real (know my dreams are real)
I believe I'll chant (Oh yea)
I believe I'll dance
I believe I'll grow real soon and (That's why)
That is what I do believe

Your goals are just a thing in your soul uh uh
And you know that your moves will let them show
You keep creating pictures in your mind
So just believe they will come true in time
It will be fine
Leave all of your cares and stress behind
Just let it go
Let the music flow inside
Forget all your pain
And just start to believe

(Chorus:)
I believe I can (I believe I can oh yea)
I believe I will
I believe I know my dreams are real (All of my dreams are real)
I believe I'll chant
I believe I'll dance (I gotta dance)
I believe I'll grow real soon and (ooo)
That is what I do believe
Whoa oa oa YEA…

(Music break)

Nevermind what people say
Hold your head high and turn away
With all our hopes and dreams
I will believe
Even though it seems it's not for me
I won't give up I'll keep it up
Look into the sky
I will achieve all my needs I will always believe….OoOo

(Chorus 2x)
I believe I can
I believe I will (I can)
I believe I know my dreams are real (I got strength)
I believe I'll chant
I believe I'll dance (I gotta dance)
I believe I'll grow real soon and (watch me watch me watch me)
That is what I do believe (I do believe in me)

I believe I can
I believe I will (oh yea)
I believe I know my dreams are real
I believe I'll chant
I believe I'll dance (I gotta dance)
I believe I'll grow real soon and
That is what I do believe (I do believe! yayeeyay)

Tu Amor Me Hace Bien

Song I'm lovin'

Tu Amore Me Hace Bien, Marc Anthony (off Valio La Pena)

Te quiero asi deliciosa insospechada
Porque creo en tu palabra
Porque yo siento que aun te necesito
Porque me alteras las ganas

Te quiero asi estruendosa y delicada
Entre alegria y nostalgia
Porque me gusta tenerte vida mia
Y no quiero que te vayas
Porque el amor cuando es verdad sale del alma
Nos aturde los sentidos
Y de pronto descubrimos que la piel
Se enciende en llamas

Bien, tu amor me hace bien
Tu amor me desarma
Ay, tu amor me controla
Me endulza, me encanta
Pero bien, tu amor me hace bien
Tu amor me desarma
Ay tu amor me controla
Me vence, me amarra
Mira que me hace bien,
ay,que me hace bien

Te quiero asi tan precisa equivocada
Con tus detalles que matan
Porque tenerte a mi lado me hace fuerte
Si eres mi reina y mi espada
Te quiero asi cuando ries cuando callas
Porque al caer me levantas
Porque mi voz y mi espiritu se agitan
Cuando dices que me amas
Porque tu amor como es verdad me vuelve el alma
Me despierta los sentidos
Y de pronto descubri que aqui en mi piel
Se encienden llamas

Ay bien, tu amor me hace bien
Tu amor me desarma
Tu amor me controla
Me endulza, me encanta

(ay como te quiero ay como te adoro
ay lolita linda tu eres mi tesoro)

Appreciation

Life Lesson # 28964: Appreciation

So, while many may just look at the events of the day with less than a thought - todays events showed me something. So on my way to school I waited at the bus stop in the rain and heavy winds. I waited at least 10 minutes in the cool, sudden temperature drop, when I spied the bus. Less than a block away. Relief and warmth were in my thoughts when my hat blew off. Okay, if I move than I might not get back before the bus gets back and I need to get to school, but for those of you that know me, you know I love my hats. So I did what you think I did - I went for the hat. And I made it back in time for the bus. So I got to work and didn't think anything of the events of the morning. So on the way back I wait at least 20 minutes for the bus (I'm not used to the schedule yet). I got on and because I'm not familiar with the stops I was let out a stop too late, so I had to cross a major road to get back. This time my umbrella turned inside out due to the wind, then my hat fell off, and this time was blown even further. At last I was home, after tracking through a little mud. The funny thing is - after I opened and closed the door behind myself I was so appreciative of having a warm home to come to. And for having a job so that I could make a living. We all love to complain when the going gets rough, but it's crucial that you appreciate everything that you DO have, even if you don't have all that you WANT. You are living so you probably have all that you NEED. God knows what he's doing, ay?

Girl, Put your records on

Song I'm lovin'

Put Your Records ON . . .Corrinne Bailey Rae
Three little birds, sat on my window.
And they told me I don't need to worry.
Summer came like cinnamon
So sweet,
Little girls double-dutch on the concrete.

Maybe sometimes, we got it wrong, but it's alright
The more things seem to change, the more they stay the same
Oh, don't you hesitate.

Girl, put your records on,
tell me your favourite song
You go ahead, let your hair down

Sapphire and faded jeans,
I hope you get your dreams,
Just go ahead, let your hair down.
You're gonna find yourself somewhere, somehow.

Blue as the sky, sombre and lonely,
Sipping tea in the bar by the road side,
(just relax, just relax)
Don't you let those other boys fool you,
Gotta love that afro hairdo.

Maybe sometimes, we feel afraid, but it's alright
The more you stay the same, the more they seem to change.
Don't you think it's strange?

Girl, put your records on, tell me your favorite song
You go ahead, let your hair down
Sapphire and faded jeans,
I hope you get your dreams,
Just go ahead, let your hair down.
You're gonna find yourself somewhere, somehow.

Just more than I could take, pity for pity's sake
Some nights kept me awake,
I thought that I was stronger
When you gonna realise, that you don't even have to
try any longer.Do what you want to.

Girl, put your records on, tell me your favorite song
You go ahead, let your hair down
Sapphire and faded jeans,
I hope you get your dreams,
Just go ahead, let your hair down.

Girl, put your records on, tell me your favourite song
You go ahead, let your hair down
Sapphire and faded jeans,
I hope you get your dreams,
Just go ahead, let your hair down.
Oh, you're gonna find yourself somewhere, somehow

Click

So it's not often that a movie impacts you, makes you think about the life you lead. I just watched the movie Click (with Adam Sandler) and it's about what you prioritize in life. We've all probably imagined being rich and famous and not having to do any chores; spending days upon days on vacation. But what about the road to getting there? Are you so busy at work that you don't have time to have lunch with your friends? Eat dinner with your family? Talk on the phone with your parents? There is so much more to life than work and then things that will make you monetarily successful. And if you neglect those things, then you will be on an island by yourself "enjoying" quality time. Too busy to eat properly? Health is a priority, spending time with family, enjoying nature, SLEEP - I'm really talking to myself, but do you see what I am saying? Sometimes we get caught up in the hustle and bustle, or the hype of demand, that we mistakenly define "importance" as a first come first served basis. Yes, at the end of the day you family will still love you, but why should they be placed on the back burner? What happened to working 5 days a week? Why Sat and/or Sunday? Why all the fast food and junk food? Why do we want flavored water? What happened to petting the dog and reading a book? And you are thinking - well the work needs to get done - but didn't it need to get done 30 years ago? They somehow managed to sustain a workable society. If we don't put limitations on what is acceptable then we are susceptible to anything - to being on call. Is it that important? Unless you are saving someone's life, take a moment and breathe. And enjoy that breath. What did you smell? What did it taste like? When we ignore moments like these we won't appreciate them later on when we have more than we could imagine.

There's so much more to say but I will save some for later.

Stumble

"Stumble" by Natasha Bedingfield

I'm not the kind of girl you bring to mother
I'm not the kind of girl you kiss in public
My manners leave a lot to be desired
At least in not a liar
I'm not about the subtle innuendo
More likely to throw rocks up at your window
Won't walk on eggshells so you don't hear the crazy things I'm saying when you get near me
I'd rather disappear than be faking it

[Chorus:]

Anyway, you like me yeah I know it
You're so transparent
How you stumble 'round those words so well
You like me there i said it
Don't need a dictionary helping me 'cause I can spell

My foot was in my mouth the day I met you
All my friends they said I'd never get you
But they don't know it when they see it
They need glasses to believe it
They don't understand so be it...
What can I say anyway

[Chorus]
Bridge

By the way you turn me on to your favorite band
By the way you lift me up when I'm fading
Breathe me in when I'm suffocating
Don't say that its's just because you can
Don't be stupid thinking I've misjudged you
I know enough to know when someone trusts you
Why fight it now it isn't gonna hurt you...

[Chorus]

Complicated

It's happening. Against my wishes, it's happening . . . we're growing up!! It' s been nearly a year since I graduated from college and in that year's span so much has happened. So many decisions are being made. So many complications. Remember when your hardest decision to make was
1) pen or pencil?
2) twinkie or kit kat?
3) double dutch or hopscotch?
4) pancakes or frenchtoast?

And then you passed kindergarden and elementary school and middle school brought it's own challenges

5) run for class president or secretary?
6) basketball or gymnastics?
7) larry or sarah as science partner?
8) train or bus?

High school was fun though. Those decisions shaped who you would become, how popular or unpopular you would be, and who your friends would or wouldn't be

9) Which club to join?
10) Which AP class to take?
11) Which college to apply?
12) Who to take to the prom?

And then college.
13) What's my major?
14) Not liking this, do I stick with it or switch?
15) Do I have time for a job?
16) Where am I going to live? With who?
17) Study or take a break?
18) Eat or sleep? <-- you guys know it came down to this!!
19) Pizza or Ramen?

And now the part that I'm talking about: growing up. Now everyone's making life decisions and they are getting complicated

20) Just got proposed to: yes or no?
21) kids or no kids? now or later?
22) Job relocated: move or quit?
23) grad school or work?
24) house or apt?

And the list goes on and on. And life gets more and more complicated, because there are bigger things at stake. But it's like this Choose Your Own Adventure where you can't flip the page and see what's going to happen. You actually have to go through with it, and most roads are not reversible. But we deal with the cards we are dealt. And you make your choices. You choose which path of the fork in the road you will progress and make your list with one less complication.

Wohoooo

God is Awesome!! In the midst of my personal storm, there is calm. I'm happy today - it's been a moody couple of weeks. I saw some payoff on something that I worked really hard for and it made me feel really good. It's hard to keep shoveling quicksand, ya know? (C'mon you guys have to get my metaphors, lol. But for those of you who don't - if you are falling at the same rate at the thing that you are shoveling then although you are doing work, you really aren't seeing any results). But things are good, the weather is beautiful, and I can do this!! So I'm excited about life today. And it feels good. :)

Song I'm liking: "I am not my hair": India.Arie [featuringAkon (remix)]

Check it out here:
http://www.rapnewsdirect.com/0-202-261145-00.html?tag=google

Love

I love You for what you have done for me
I love You for what you will do
I love You for accepting me as I am
but most of all, I love You for loving me unconditionally.

And no guys, I'm not talking about a guy, I'm talking about HIM!

Jesus Christ is risen! He is risen indeed!

Happy Easter!

Lesson's Learned

I'm telling you guys. Life is a journey and you gain so much knowledge along the way. For instance, I learned several important things this week:

1. It's a small small world. One of my friends' cousins is good friends with one of my homegirls. And I've heard his name in stories but never thought there would be a connection.
2. Be still. Sometimes it's good to just stand in the water and listen to the waves. I almost opened my mouth to get something off my chest. But it's a good thing I didn't. I could have made a relationship very awkward. Now things have changed and no one has to know what I was thinking; it's for the best.
3. Make some noise. Now this seems contradictory to number 2, but when you need to be heard about some injustice you deserve to be get it out, to vocalize it, even if it falls upon deaf ears. I'm still working on this one. But if if matters enough to you then you deserve to voice your opinion. If someone doesn't know that they make you mad then they can't fix it. Give them the opportunity.
4. Don't worry. "Cast your cares on Him." I've found that God most definitely has my back so there is no point in worrying about things that I have absolute no control over (and the list is huge).

This and many more lessons learned on the path called life.

~

Expression

I love to write. It's who I am. Writing is a way of expressing yourself: uncensored, unabbreviated. You can just get everything out on paper and then stand back and look at it; reread the words that were once simultaneous thoughts in your head. It's almost like going back in time - going to the exact moment of when you felt a certain way. And it's refreshing. Whenever I write - when I get my innermost thoughts on paper, I don't have to think about them anymore. I don't have to fear that I will forget what I was once thinking; those thoughts are safe, tucked away somewhere.

And I love to talk. Not chit chat - but those meaningful conversations. Those conversations where you ask the question - what would you do in this scenario - and the answer is meaningless to a point, but it opens up a whole new arena, a story, or a chain of events that the other person wants to share with you. And you want to listen; you're not thinking of your own answer, but you are purely listening to what they have to say; gasping at the surprises, and laughing at the irony of it all. And it's great. One day I'd like to tell a great story (in a book) and have you read it and get something out of it. My purpose has always been to have a positive impact on society, and I think we all impact eachother in different ways. I love to write, so I hope that my writing impacts you, makes you think of things in your life, makes you question things that you do but you think are wrong, makes you want to argue with me and tell your side of things, but most of all, makes you think. Because in today's society, we are doing less and less thinking, and just taking "Bob's" word for it. George Santayana says "Those who cannot learn from history are doomed to repeat it." I rightly believe this. There is no point in you making the same mistake that I did. You do not have to touch the fire if I have burned myself already. I want my stories to be a part of your history, and yours a part of mine. If we all live in the world without trying to coexist, then society as a whole is doomed. But if I can learn from you and you from me, then we are so much for the better.

Ahhhhhh, I feel good du nuh nuh nuh nuh nuh nuh . . I knew that I would now . . so good . .tuh tuh . .so good . . .now that I got youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu (I love to sing songs as well) :)

Why do we want "it"?

There's a great line from my all-time favorite movie, Brown Sugar, "Why doesn't your heart do what your brain tells it to?" And it's true, why can't we tame our feelings, even feelings that we don't want to have? Why have a crush on someone unattainable/undesirable? Why want food that you are allergic to? Why want to visit places you will never see? It's a paradox. You know that you can't have it, but you still want it. And you can't stop yourself from wanting it, because, regardless of the fact that you know you can't have it, you just want to have it. And you get angry at yourself for thinking of it, when again, you know that you can't have it.

So life is funny. I don't even want "it," (or whatever your "it" may be). I just like the idea of "it" and it's not the best idea to have; and if I ever did get "it" I'd probably be highly dissappointed, but still I want "it." I want to know what it was like to have "it" and then after that I'd be done wanting "it." I wouldn't keep "it" for a long time, just something to cross off on the to-do list.

I'm working on not wanting "it." Easier said than done.

Blah . .and so much more.

I had a math test today. I think it went all right - much better than the math tests from last term. But now I'm feeling kinda blah. I just had some ice cream so that made me feel good, but there's so much work to do. And today is Ash Wednesday. I had planned to go to service today, but it's too late now, I would never make it in time. For Lent I'm giving up addictions. I'm kinda addicted to being online - AIM, myspace, facebook, you konw the drill. I can't give up AIM completely because I need to stay in touch with people (plus sometimes I discuss homework) but I am definitely limiting myself more. And I'm giving up myspace and facebook for the time. It'll be tough, because I'm so used to knowing what's going on everywhere, but I imagine it will save me lots of time in the long run. It's more fun talking to people in real life than in cyber world, even if you really do know them. I love good phone conversations and there's a lot of people that I owe calls - I haven't forgotten about you guys, I've just been geniunely busy. Just think, this will all be over in June - I won't have to balance life between classes and research - I can just do my research. It's going to be intense, because I want a lot of data for my qualifiers in August, which I will pass!! I'm very nervous about that but I have to think optimistically. Sigh . . .just so much on my plate it's a bit overwhelming, but remember freshman year . .remember Venkat physics? I seriously remember contemplating whether I should switch majors - just because of physics - but you know what, I made it out. And although I didn't do stellar in physics, it didn't affect my whole degree. In other words, try your best, but don't let every little pitfall cause you to think that you will fail. That's the thing that I will have to remember.

And about that guy - guy, shmy. Forget about him for 40+ days also. He's getting out of the picture as the days go by.

As for my "friend" who I thought was truly trying to change and be a friend to me, just like every other ditcher he was insensitive and only cared to talk about himself. I gave him another chance, and he spoiled it. I forgave him. But deep down inside I realize I don't need his friendship. It sucks that he can't understand why he does things that make me upset, but I don't think he even tries to understand - he tells me that I take things too seriously, or I overanalyze situations. No, I don't. And while I may take some things out of proportion - just try to understand where I am coming from. Just because I laugh or smile a lot does not mean that EVERYTHING in life has to be all fun and games - no there is a serious side to things and whether or not you relate to how it affects me, at least try to understand that different people react to the same situation differently. And sadly enough, he'll never read this, but just remember that the next time a friend gets mad at you - perhaps their perception of what happened is much different and it affects them more personally.

Current Status

Alright, so here's the current status. I'm over that guy that I had a crush on that I shouldn't like. Valentine's Day was great - I'm ok with being single. And I'm doing my thing at school. There's so much more to write, but I'm kinda tired and I need to clean, so off I go.

Being Perfect

Don't waste your time. I just finished reading Anna Quindlen's Being Perfect and I was extremely dissappointed. It had so much potential to be a book to tell you not to worry about the small things in life and not holding onto perfection. Rather, I felt like I was listening to her think out loud. Seriously - how did this get published. Fortunately, it was an easy read so I only wasted an hour or so of my time (half of which I was on the shuttle, so I didn't really waste too much), but I wouldn't waste my time with this book. It gets the thumbs down.

Lust, Trust, and so much more!

Where do I begin? Hmm ok well I will start with lust. This is going to be a personal post, so you'll get to know a little more about me and my train of thought. Ok, I guess you said around 5th grade I started noticing boys - and I mean as more than getting rid of mice. They were different, cute even; well the ones that didn't have cooties. And as the years progressed there were some head turners. Even now, I have to check ring fingers. Not because I'm looking, but just because. So my first question is, when is it lust? You see that gorgeous guy from across the room and you make eye contact. Someone makes their way over and a simple "hi" leads to a desired conversation by both parties. That is the physical attraction. You talk and talk but are somewhat caught up in appearances. They could say they counted paper clips for a living and you would smile and laugh at their every joke. (not that there is anything wrong with counting paper clips, just an example). So do you like them? Can you really infer that from a shallow conversation that was built on how the person looked? Is that lust? So the two of you agree to go out and get to know eachother better. This is where a possible friendship could start. Now two things could happen if you find out you aren't compatible. You could find out that you just aren't compatible and end it there or you "see it through," trying to make him/her fit into your profile or standards. And we do that lots of times, because we lustfully want to be with someone even though in the back of our mind (sometimes the far far far back) we know that they aren't the one for us - whether it be their beliefs, values, hobbies, location, etc. Well that ties me into my next topic. Because I'm surrounded by "potentials" - you know those guys that just look good, that you could "make it work" with. It's horrible, really. I think that I am being tested (by God). Because as of late I have run into beautiful men who just aren't right for me. And it's really really hard not to go after water in the desert, ya know? But I know that if I did, it would be for the wrong reasons, for the physical attraction, or the laughs, or just to hangout - not that there is anything wrong with hanging out. But I would be leading the guy on if I tried to make it into something more than it's not. And you're probably thinking, well how can that be a test. Well let's see, right and left my friends are getting married, Valentine's day is around the corner, and all that jazz. So I'm trying not to get caught up in the hype. Not letting phone calls mean more than they are, or good conversations have to spark more than friendship. I think that we sometimes get caught up in what the person has to offer, rather than the actual person. I graduated college and spaces that those people used to fill are now being filled during a good conversation, and you think that means something, when really it doesn't. So, I'm going to trust that God has more in store for me and lay back and relax.

Hehe this was all sparked during a conversation at swing dancing. lol. But an old friend has come back into my life and I'm getting closer with newer acquaintances/friends. This is why you gotta love life. There's so much unexpected.

Alright that's it for now. :)

Freedom

I feel liberated. A lot of things are going right in my life. I've let go of a lot of attachments. My attitude has not changed to "who cares?" but rather to "why worry?". It's a great feeling. I'm organizing my thoughts and my life and my space. Decluttering the soul, so to speak. Give it a try, it does wonders.

From a speaker (paraphrase):
If you don't know where you are going, any path will take you there.

Excerpt

Excerpt from a poem I wrote:

But is it you that is the coward?
To stand up for what you believe
Always wanting to be the people pleaser

Well spare me the facade . . .


A work in progress. But I love that stanza.

Friendship

The topic for today is Friendship. I've been put in a very flexible position. Is friendship guaranteed, or is it something that you earn? If you were very good friends with a person and they wronged you and years passed by, do you owe them friendship when you meet up again? Can the two of you casually say hi, neglecting all the things that had happened? The answer is no. You can't continue without acknowledgement, at the least, for the things that have happened. So I do believe that people should be forgiven. But here's the catch: when do you go back to where you were? How do you avoid being that rug that is constantly being stepped on, and when do you call it a day and move on? This is the flexible position I am in. I have the opportunity, with one phone call, to try to make amends (for something I did not do) and open up the past, or I could just move on, not calling. The easy decision is to not call - forgive the person and move on. I believe that things happen for a reason. But which thing? Was it the falling out of friendship that happened for a reason or was it the extension of reconnecting with the aforementioned phone number? That is what I am trying to figure out. I think that we have to let go of some friends because perhaps they are not a postive influence in our lives. Perhaps their very presence hinders us from reaching our goals. So if you were to lose touch with one of the people you kinda shrug your shoulders and say oh well it was meant to be. But what if they changed? What if they come back into your life and our different? Do you give them a second chance? What if was a close friend who made some mistakes? What if you don't know the whole story? Do you stick around to find out? Or do you also let them go with a shrug of the shoulder? And it's a hard decision. Because one leaves you susceptible to getting hurt and the other leaves you possibly missing out on a great person.

And I don't know the answer. There's no way to know. And I won't know which decision is right. I just have to take it on head-on. And I'm afraid of looking the fool or being stepped on, but I'm also afraid on missing out on the stories of someone else's life. Which is more important? The risk of failure or the risk of missed opportunity?

What do you think?

Rock Climbing

Today was very eventful. After work I went rock climbing. Yes, you heard me right, rock climbing. It was awesome. I think I kinda got over my fear of heights. The first time I was scared because of the disaster in Pittsburgh - she told me to let go, not to worry, next thing I know I'm scraping the wall at rapid speed, nothing holding me down. However, this time was much much different. We went through an hour of training on how to balay (the person on the ground, the spotter) and how to knot the rope. I really had a great time. And a bunch of my classmates were there so it was even more fun with people that you know.

After that I decided to work out, but that gym is tinyyyyyyyy. So I'm on the elliptical and I'm totally bored - no good magazines, the music was too mellow - and I'm looking below to see people playing basketball. Now that looks fun, I thought to myself. More fun than what I am doing. Those of you who know me know that I am infamous for talking to strangers. So I went down and asked a kid who was playing by himself if we could do one on one. We didn't get to finish the game but it was 15-7 him before someone had to take the ball back. That was a lot of fun. And now I am so psyched. Call it adrenaline, what have you. This is what I've been missing for the past 4 months (yes, it's been 4 months since I've been to a gym). And I feel so healthy and productive. Ahhhhhhhhh.

:) All Smiles.

Happy New Year!!

Here's to new beginnings!! It is 2006. Can you believe it? I'm looking forward to starting afresh and just seeing where the wind blows. I have some resolutions, but I won't write them down here. Breathe in, breathe out. Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. :)