Love

I love You for what you have done for me
I love You for what you will do
I love You for accepting me as I am
but most of all, I love You for loving me unconditionally.

And no guys, I'm not talking about a guy, I'm talking about HIM!

Jesus Christ is risen! He is risen indeed!

Happy Easter!

Lesson's Learned

I'm telling you guys. Life is a journey and you gain so much knowledge along the way. For instance, I learned several important things this week:

1. It's a small small world. One of my friends' cousins is good friends with one of my homegirls. And I've heard his name in stories but never thought there would be a connection.
2. Be still. Sometimes it's good to just stand in the water and listen to the waves. I almost opened my mouth to get something off my chest. But it's a good thing I didn't. I could have made a relationship very awkward. Now things have changed and no one has to know what I was thinking; it's for the best.
3. Make some noise. Now this seems contradictory to number 2, but when you need to be heard about some injustice you deserve to be get it out, to vocalize it, even if it falls upon deaf ears. I'm still working on this one. But if if matters enough to you then you deserve to voice your opinion. If someone doesn't know that they make you mad then they can't fix it. Give them the opportunity.
4. Don't worry. "Cast your cares on Him." I've found that God most definitely has my back so there is no point in worrying about things that I have absolute no control over (and the list is huge).

This and many more lessons learned on the path called life.

~

Expression

I love to write. It's who I am. Writing is a way of expressing yourself: uncensored, unabbreviated. You can just get everything out on paper and then stand back and look at it; reread the words that were once simultaneous thoughts in your head. It's almost like going back in time - going to the exact moment of when you felt a certain way. And it's refreshing. Whenever I write - when I get my innermost thoughts on paper, I don't have to think about them anymore. I don't have to fear that I will forget what I was once thinking; those thoughts are safe, tucked away somewhere.

And I love to talk. Not chit chat - but those meaningful conversations. Those conversations where you ask the question - what would you do in this scenario - and the answer is meaningless to a point, but it opens up a whole new arena, a story, or a chain of events that the other person wants to share with you. And you want to listen; you're not thinking of your own answer, but you are purely listening to what they have to say; gasping at the surprises, and laughing at the irony of it all. And it's great. One day I'd like to tell a great story (in a book) and have you read it and get something out of it. My purpose has always been to have a positive impact on society, and I think we all impact eachother in different ways. I love to write, so I hope that my writing impacts you, makes you think of things in your life, makes you question things that you do but you think are wrong, makes you want to argue with me and tell your side of things, but most of all, makes you think. Because in today's society, we are doing less and less thinking, and just taking "Bob's" word for it. George Santayana says "Those who cannot learn from history are doomed to repeat it." I rightly believe this. There is no point in you making the same mistake that I did. You do not have to touch the fire if I have burned myself already. I want my stories to be a part of your history, and yours a part of mine. If we all live in the world without trying to coexist, then society as a whole is doomed. But if I can learn from you and you from me, then we are so much for the better.

Ahhhhhh, I feel good du nuh nuh nuh nuh nuh nuh . . I knew that I would now . . so good . .tuh tuh . .so good . . .now that I got youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu (I love to sing songs as well) :)

Why do we want "it"?

There's a great line from my all-time favorite movie, Brown Sugar, "Why doesn't your heart do what your brain tells it to?" And it's true, why can't we tame our feelings, even feelings that we don't want to have? Why have a crush on someone unattainable/undesirable? Why want food that you are allergic to? Why want to visit places you will never see? It's a paradox. You know that you can't have it, but you still want it. And you can't stop yourself from wanting it, because, regardless of the fact that you know you can't have it, you just want to have it. And you get angry at yourself for thinking of it, when again, you know that you can't have it.

So life is funny. I don't even want "it," (or whatever your "it" may be). I just like the idea of "it" and it's not the best idea to have; and if I ever did get "it" I'd probably be highly dissappointed, but still I want "it." I want to know what it was like to have "it" and then after that I'd be done wanting "it." I wouldn't keep "it" for a long time, just something to cross off on the to-do list.

I'm working on not wanting "it." Easier said than done.

Blah . .and so much more.

I had a math test today. I think it went all right - much better than the math tests from last term. But now I'm feeling kinda blah. I just had some ice cream so that made me feel good, but there's so much work to do. And today is Ash Wednesday. I had planned to go to service today, but it's too late now, I would never make it in time. For Lent I'm giving up addictions. I'm kinda addicted to being online - AIM, myspace, facebook, you konw the drill. I can't give up AIM completely because I need to stay in touch with people (plus sometimes I discuss homework) but I am definitely limiting myself more. And I'm giving up myspace and facebook for the time. It'll be tough, because I'm so used to knowing what's going on everywhere, but I imagine it will save me lots of time in the long run. It's more fun talking to people in real life than in cyber world, even if you really do know them. I love good phone conversations and there's a lot of people that I owe calls - I haven't forgotten about you guys, I've just been geniunely busy. Just think, this will all be over in June - I won't have to balance life between classes and research - I can just do my research. It's going to be intense, because I want a lot of data for my qualifiers in August, which I will pass!! I'm very nervous about that but I have to think optimistically. Sigh . . .just so much on my plate it's a bit overwhelming, but remember freshman year . .remember Venkat physics? I seriously remember contemplating whether I should switch majors - just because of physics - but you know what, I made it out. And although I didn't do stellar in physics, it didn't affect my whole degree. In other words, try your best, but don't let every little pitfall cause you to think that you will fail. That's the thing that I will have to remember.

And about that guy - guy, shmy. Forget about him for 40+ days also. He's getting out of the picture as the days go by.

As for my "friend" who I thought was truly trying to change and be a friend to me, just like every other ditcher he was insensitive and only cared to talk about himself. I gave him another chance, and he spoiled it. I forgave him. But deep down inside I realize I don't need his friendship. It sucks that he can't understand why he does things that make me upset, but I don't think he even tries to understand - he tells me that I take things too seriously, or I overanalyze situations. No, I don't. And while I may take some things out of proportion - just try to understand where I am coming from. Just because I laugh or smile a lot does not mean that EVERYTHING in life has to be all fun and games - no there is a serious side to things and whether or not you relate to how it affects me, at least try to understand that different people react to the same situation differently. And sadly enough, he'll never read this, but just remember that the next time a friend gets mad at you - perhaps their perception of what happened is much different and it affects them more personally.

Current Status

Alright, so here's the current status. I'm over that guy that I had a crush on that I shouldn't like. Valentine's Day was great - I'm ok with being single. And I'm doing my thing at school. There's so much more to write, but I'm kinda tired and I need to clean, so off I go.

Being Perfect

Don't waste your time. I just finished reading Anna Quindlen's Being Perfect and I was extremely dissappointed. It had so much potential to be a book to tell you not to worry about the small things in life and not holding onto perfection. Rather, I felt like I was listening to her think out loud. Seriously - how did this get published. Fortunately, it was an easy read so I only wasted an hour or so of my time (half of which I was on the shuttle, so I didn't really waste too much), but I wouldn't waste my time with this book. It gets the thumbs down.

Lust, Trust, and so much more!

Where do I begin? Hmm ok well I will start with lust. This is going to be a personal post, so you'll get to know a little more about me and my train of thought. Ok, I guess you said around 5th grade I started noticing boys - and I mean as more than getting rid of mice. They were different, cute even; well the ones that didn't have cooties. And as the years progressed there were some head turners. Even now, I have to check ring fingers. Not because I'm looking, but just because. So my first question is, when is it lust? You see that gorgeous guy from across the room and you make eye contact. Someone makes their way over and a simple "hi" leads to a desired conversation by both parties. That is the physical attraction. You talk and talk but are somewhat caught up in appearances. They could say they counted paper clips for a living and you would smile and laugh at their every joke. (not that there is anything wrong with counting paper clips, just an example). So do you like them? Can you really infer that from a shallow conversation that was built on how the person looked? Is that lust? So the two of you agree to go out and get to know eachother better. This is where a possible friendship could start. Now two things could happen if you find out you aren't compatible. You could find out that you just aren't compatible and end it there or you "see it through," trying to make him/her fit into your profile or standards. And we do that lots of times, because we lustfully want to be with someone even though in the back of our mind (sometimes the far far far back) we know that they aren't the one for us - whether it be their beliefs, values, hobbies, location, etc. Well that ties me into my next topic. Because I'm surrounded by "potentials" - you know those guys that just look good, that you could "make it work" with. It's horrible, really. I think that I am being tested (by God). Because as of late I have run into beautiful men who just aren't right for me. And it's really really hard not to go after water in the desert, ya know? But I know that if I did, it would be for the wrong reasons, for the physical attraction, or the laughs, or just to hangout - not that there is anything wrong with hanging out. But I would be leading the guy on if I tried to make it into something more than it's not. And you're probably thinking, well how can that be a test. Well let's see, right and left my friends are getting married, Valentine's day is around the corner, and all that jazz. So I'm trying not to get caught up in the hype. Not letting phone calls mean more than they are, or good conversations have to spark more than friendship. I think that we sometimes get caught up in what the person has to offer, rather than the actual person. I graduated college and spaces that those people used to fill are now being filled during a good conversation, and you think that means something, when really it doesn't. So, I'm going to trust that God has more in store for me and lay back and relax.

Hehe this was all sparked during a conversation at swing dancing. lol. But an old friend has come back into my life and I'm getting closer with newer acquaintances/friends. This is why you gotta love life. There's so much unexpected.

Alright that's it for now. :)

Freedom

I feel liberated. A lot of things are going right in my life. I've let go of a lot of attachments. My attitude has not changed to "who cares?" but rather to "why worry?". It's a great feeling. I'm organizing my thoughts and my life and my space. Decluttering the soul, so to speak. Give it a try, it does wonders.

From a speaker (paraphrase):
If you don't know where you are going, any path will take you there.

Excerpt

Excerpt from a poem I wrote:

But is it you that is the coward?
To stand up for what you believe
Always wanting to be the people pleaser

Well spare me the facade . . .


A work in progress. But I love that stanza.

Friendship

The topic for today is Friendship. I've been put in a very flexible position. Is friendship guaranteed, or is it something that you earn? If you were very good friends with a person and they wronged you and years passed by, do you owe them friendship when you meet up again? Can the two of you casually say hi, neglecting all the things that had happened? The answer is no. You can't continue without acknowledgement, at the least, for the things that have happened. So I do believe that people should be forgiven. But here's the catch: when do you go back to where you were? How do you avoid being that rug that is constantly being stepped on, and when do you call it a day and move on? This is the flexible position I am in. I have the opportunity, with one phone call, to try to make amends (for something I did not do) and open up the past, or I could just move on, not calling. The easy decision is to not call - forgive the person and move on. I believe that things happen for a reason. But which thing? Was it the falling out of friendship that happened for a reason or was it the extension of reconnecting with the aforementioned phone number? That is what I am trying to figure out. I think that we have to let go of some friends because perhaps they are not a postive influence in our lives. Perhaps their very presence hinders us from reaching our goals. So if you were to lose touch with one of the people you kinda shrug your shoulders and say oh well it was meant to be. But what if they changed? What if they come back into your life and our different? Do you give them a second chance? What if was a close friend who made some mistakes? What if you don't know the whole story? Do you stick around to find out? Or do you also let them go with a shrug of the shoulder? And it's a hard decision. Because one leaves you susceptible to getting hurt and the other leaves you possibly missing out on a great person.

And I don't know the answer. There's no way to know. And I won't know which decision is right. I just have to take it on head-on. And I'm afraid of looking the fool or being stepped on, but I'm also afraid on missing out on the stories of someone else's life. Which is more important? The risk of failure or the risk of missed opportunity?

What do you think?

Rock Climbing

Today was very eventful. After work I went rock climbing. Yes, you heard me right, rock climbing. It was awesome. I think I kinda got over my fear of heights. The first time I was scared because of the disaster in Pittsburgh - she told me to let go, not to worry, next thing I know I'm scraping the wall at rapid speed, nothing holding me down. However, this time was much much different. We went through an hour of training on how to balay (the person on the ground, the spotter) and how to knot the rope. I really had a great time. And a bunch of my classmates were there so it was even more fun with people that you know.

After that I decided to work out, but that gym is tinyyyyyyyy. So I'm on the elliptical and I'm totally bored - no good magazines, the music was too mellow - and I'm looking below to see people playing basketball. Now that looks fun, I thought to myself. More fun than what I am doing. Those of you who know me know that I am infamous for talking to strangers. So I went down and asked a kid who was playing by himself if we could do one on one. We didn't get to finish the game but it was 15-7 him before someone had to take the ball back. That was a lot of fun. And now I am so psyched. Call it adrenaline, what have you. This is what I've been missing for the past 4 months (yes, it's been 4 months since I've been to a gym). And I feel so healthy and productive. Ahhhhhhhhh.

:) All Smiles.

Happy New Year!!

Here's to new beginnings!! It is 2006. Can you believe it? I'm looking forward to starting afresh and just seeing where the wind blows. I have some resolutions, but I won't write them down here. Breathe in, breathe out. Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. :)

Merry Christmas!

Merry Christmas!!

Big Sigh of Relief

Ahhhhhhhhhhhh. That is the feeling I am feeling right now. I am back home from school on break for a couple of weeks. A real break this time. Not like Thanksgiving break where I had to study for exams. A pure, fun-filled, relaxing break. I get to take these two weeks for Christmas and New Year's off then it's back to school to do research. Classes don't start up again until February. I'm really looking forward to the free time to get some things together. I want to read a good book - unrelated to anything academic. I'm looking forward to seeing more of my friends. Chill time with the fam. Movies, movies, movies. There's so much "life" to catch up on. Phone conversations. This next month will be very well utilized. I just feel this huge burden lifted off me. I can't wait to get things organized and feel in control again. Kinda my New Year's resolution that I'm starting a bit early. Ahhhh. Well things to do. Ciao. ~

Ups and Downs

Every week I experience my share of ups and downs. Lately, because of grad school, the slopes are always steep. It's like a rollercoaster that you don't choose to get on. It's been very tough because there are always roadblocks and obstacles telling you you can't do it. But you can! I can!! I can do this. It's not bigger than me!! If it can be done, then I can do it! You'll get to forks in the road where you don't know which way to go. And then you make your decision and there are all these negative things telling you you made the wrong decision. There will be people who are better than you at what you do, making you feel insecure about your ability.There will be questions so tough that you can't figure out, that make you believe you don't know anything at all.

But this journey is called Life. And it wouldn't be what it is if everything was handed to us; if we didn't have to make some important life decisions. And there are no guarantees that the road we choose IS the right one, but "Don't let the fear of striking out, keep you from playing the game" (from A Cinderella Story).

I needed to hear this. Maybe someone else needed to hear this. But if you hear me, don't just sit on it. Do what you gotta do! Because I believe you can do it!! :)

The Way I Was Made

Song I'm loving (in bold are my favorite lines):

The Way I was made
by Chris Tomlin

Caught in the half-life, I’m caught alone
Waking up to the sunrise and the radio
Feels like I’m tired of, what’s holding me?
Just praying today will be the day I go free

I want to live like there’s no tomorrow
I want to dance like no one’s around
I want to sing like nobody’s listening
Before I lay my body down
I want to give like I have plenty
I want to love like I’m not afraid
I want to be the man I was meant to be
I want to be the way I was made

Made in Your likeness, made with Your hands
Made to discover who You are and who I am
And All I’ve forgotten help me to find
All that You’ve promised let it be in my life

I want to live like there’s no tomorrow
I want to dance like no one’s around
I want to sing like nobody’s listening
Before I lay my body down

I want to give like I have plenty
I want to love like I’m not afraid
I want to be the man I was meant to be
I want to be the way I was made

ohhhhh
The way I was made
OhhhhI want to live like there’s no tomorrow
I want to dance like no one’s around
I want to sing like nobody’s listening
Before I lay my body down
I want to give like I have plenty
I want to love like I’m not afraid
I want to be the man I was meant to be
I want to be the way I was made
I want to be the way I was made
I want to be the way I was made

If you like this song check out Chris Tomlin in the Christian Worship section of you local music archives.

The Story of the Carpenter

I found this on someone elses page:

"THE CARPENTER
An elderly carpenter was ready to retire. He told his employer-contractor of his plans to leave the house-building business and live a more leisurely life with his wife enjoying his extended family. He would miss the paycheck, but he needed to retire. They could get by. The contractor was sorry to see his good worker go and asked if he could build just one more house as a personal favor. The carpenter said yes, but in time it was easy to see that his heart was not in his work. He resorted to shoddy workmanship and used inferior materials. It was an unfortunate way to end his career.

"When the carpenter finished his work and the builder came to inspect the house, the contractor handed the front-door key to the carpenter. "This is your house," he said, "my gift to you."
What a shock! What a shame! If he had only known he was building his own house, he would have done it all so differently. Now he had to live in the home he had built none too well. "

So are you building the life that you want to live? It's a really deep question, to be honest. If you had to keep doing the things that you currently are doing - would you be happy. Is there a bad habit that you always want to quit but you never really try to quit. I know there's some faulty nails in the house I'm building and it really made me think. If I had to live in it would I be pleased? Humpf... something to think about guys.

Updates

Hey Everyone. Well it's been a very long time since I have written in here. So let me update you on what has happened.

Well I started grad school, for one. It's hard, I'm not going to lie. Most days I spend at least 75% of the day in school or doing school related activities. So, life as I know it, is again me and my TEXTBOOKS, haha. I am learning a lot though. And I am getting the hang of programming in MatLab.

I moved to a new city . Or shoudl I say town? It's definitely different than where I'm from but I haven't had too much time to go site seeing, which I want to do one of these days.

My birthday just passed so a shout out to all those who celebrated with me.

Hmm, I had a lot more in my head when I first started to type. I think I'm just tired. It's about 7pm now and my last meal was breakfast at 12pm so maybe I'm just a little light headed. Yeah, yeah I'm cooking so I will be up to speed in about 30 minutes. And I worked my butt off today so I think I will watch Beauty Shop tonight.

Oh I do have a topic. I am not very versed on current events but I'm working on it. Anyway the former Education Secretary, William Bennett, is quoted as saying "But I do know that it's true that if you wanted to reduce crime, you could, if that were your sole purpose, you could abort every black baby in this country, and your crime rate would go down," on his morning talk show. He did finish by calling it "an impossible, ridiculous and morally reprehensible thing to do, but your crime rate would go down. So these far-out, these far-reaching, extensive extrapolations are, I think, tricky."

Wow, can you believe that someone so educated and high in power could make a statement like that? That is really disturbing. And it is also disturbing that the Black race was singled out for his hypothetical situation. If you had less people crime would go down but I think it's a horrible thing to say that we could go killing to reduce crime.

The thing that people do not realize is yes, we are all human. But when you are in a position where you are a political or any type of role model, you have to watch what you say. And the face that you said it, means that you believe it, regardless if it is hypothetical or not. For all we know the Holocaust started out as a hypothetical statement. But look at how far we have come from those barbaric thoughts, let alone activities. Bennett says that he owes no one an apology and people are misquoting him and not getting the full picture. Well what picture would he have us draw? You can't possibly say something so dramatic and think it is ok.

Which makes it more important for us to vote. And not randomly. Try to stay on top of things and find out about the person's character. It is scary when the top officials do not have any faith in some of their voters/population.

Do Something

In the wake of Hurricane Katrina, I'm going to encourage everyone to DO SOMETHING. You'd be surprised at how far a little will go. Even a dollar at the dollar store can buy you a toothbrush, soap, socks, a bottle of water, etc . . . To someone who has lost everything, it could mean a lot. As we grow up we hear of disasters all around the world and we think, what can we do. Well now it is actually in our own homeland. Are you a part of the problem or the solution?

Everyone wants to play the political game of pointing fingers. But that does not help in the here in now. What actualy helps is money donations, time donations, prayers, and words of encouragement.

Sometimes something earth shattering happens to make us realize what we did not see before. There were poverty-stricken people living in Louisiana before the hurricane, and just now is the government helping them. Perhaps the future brings brighter days for the people of LA. My deepest condolences to those who have lost loved ones and friends. But I have hope that things will get better and I ask for everyone to look for the rainbow at the end of the storm. Perhaps this can bring us as people together and we can see that amidst trials and tribulations we aren't all that different after all.

Also, we can not forget the victims of 9-11 today. Sometimes I feel overwhelmed about all of the distraught in the world. And I feel like there is nothing that I can do. But I try. I try to give and I try to help and I try to help others to do the same. And I pray. So whatever you do, Do Something. Because the fate of the world is in trouble when good men do nothing (paraphrasing a famous quote).