Lesson's Learned

I'm telling you guys. Life is a journey and you gain so much knowledge along the way. For instance, I learned several important things this week:

1. It's a small small world. One of my friends' cousins is good friends with one of my homegirls. And I've heard his name in stories but never thought there would be a connection.
2. Be still. Sometimes it's good to just stand in the water and listen to the waves. I almost opened my mouth to get something off my chest. But it's a good thing I didn't. I could have made a relationship very awkward. Now things have changed and no one has to know what I was thinking; it's for the best.
3. Make some noise. Now this seems contradictory to number 2, but when you need to be heard about some injustice you deserve to be get it out, to vocalize it, even if it falls upon deaf ears. I'm still working on this one. But if if matters enough to you then you deserve to voice your opinion. If someone doesn't know that they make you mad then they can't fix it. Give them the opportunity.
4. Don't worry. "Cast your cares on Him." I've found that God most definitely has my back so there is no point in worrying about things that I have absolute no control over (and the list is huge).

This and many more lessons learned on the path called life.

~

Expression

I love to write. It's who I am. Writing is a way of expressing yourself: uncensored, unabbreviated. You can just get everything out on paper and then stand back and look at it; reread the words that were once simultaneous thoughts in your head. It's almost like going back in time - going to the exact moment of when you felt a certain way. And it's refreshing. Whenever I write - when I get my innermost thoughts on paper, I don't have to think about them anymore. I don't have to fear that I will forget what I was once thinking; those thoughts are safe, tucked away somewhere.

And I love to talk. Not chit chat - but those meaningful conversations. Those conversations where you ask the question - what would you do in this scenario - and the answer is meaningless to a point, but it opens up a whole new arena, a story, or a chain of events that the other person wants to share with you. And you want to listen; you're not thinking of your own answer, but you are purely listening to what they have to say; gasping at the surprises, and laughing at the irony of it all. And it's great. One day I'd like to tell a great story (in a book) and have you read it and get something out of it. My purpose has always been to have a positive impact on society, and I think we all impact eachother in different ways. I love to write, so I hope that my writing impacts you, makes you think of things in your life, makes you question things that you do but you think are wrong, makes you want to argue with me and tell your side of things, but most of all, makes you think. Because in today's society, we are doing less and less thinking, and just taking "Bob's" word for it. George Santayana says "Those who cannot learn from history are doomed to repeat it." I rightly believe this. There is no point in you making the same mistake that I did. You do not have to touch the fire if I have burned myself already. I want my stories to be a part of your history, and yours a part of mine. If we all live in the world without trying to coexist, then society as a whole is doomed. But if I can learn from you and you from me, then we are so much for the better.

Ahhhhhh, I feel good du nuh nuh nuh nuh nuh nuh . . I knew that I would now . . so good . .tuh tuh . .so good . . .now that I got youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu (I love to sing songs as well) :)

Why do we want "it"?

There's a great line from my all-time favorite movie, Brown Sugar, "Why doesn't your heart do what your brain tells it to?" And it's true, why can't we tame our feelings, even feelings that we don't want to have? Why have a crush on someone unattainable/undesirable? Why want food that you are allergic to? Why want to visit places you will never see? It's a paradox. You know that you can't have it, but you still want it. And you can't stop yourself from wanting it, because, regardless of the fact that you know you can't have it, you just want to have it. And you get angry at yourself for thinking of it, when again, you know that you can't have it.

So life is funny. I don't even want "it," (or whatever your "it" may be). I just like the idea of "it" and it's not the best idea to have; and if I ever did get "it" I'd probably be highly dissappointed, but still I want "it." I want to know what it was like to have "it" and then after that I'd be done wanting "it." I wouldn't keep "it" for a long time, just something to cross off on the to-do list.

I'm working on not wanting "it." Easier said than done.

Blah . .and so much more.

I had a math test today. I think it went all right - much better than the math tests from last term. But now I'm feeling kinda blah. I just had some ice cream so that made me feel good, but there's so much work to do. And today is Ash Wednesday. I had planned to go to service today, but it's too late now, I would never make it in time. For Lent I'm giving up addictions. I'm kinda addicted to being online - AIM, myspace, facebook, you konw the drill. I can't give up AIM completely because I need to stay in touch with people (plus sometimes I discuss homework) but I am definitely limiting myself more. And I'm giving up myspace and facebook for the time. It'll be tough, because I'm so used to knowing what's going on everywhere, but I imagine it will save me lots of time in the long run. It's more fun talking to people in real life than in cyber world, even if you really do know them. I love good phone conversations and there's a lot of people that I owe calls - I haven't forgotten about you guys, I've just been geniunely busy. Just think, this will all be over in June - I won't have to balance life between classes and research - I can just do my research. It's going to be intense, because I want a lot of data for my qualifiers in August, which I will pass!! I'm very nervous about that but I have to think optimistically. Sigh . . .just so much on my plate it's a bit overwhelming, but remember freshman year . .remember Venkat physics? I seriously remember contemplating whether I should switch majors - just because of physics - but you know what, I made it out. And although I didn't do stellar in physics, it didn't affect my whole degree. In other words, try your best, but don't let every little pitfall cause you to think that you will fail. That's the thing that I will have to remember.

And about that guy - guy, shmy. Forget about him for 40+ days also. He's getting out of the picture as the days go by.

As for my "friend" who I thought was truly trying to change and be a friend to me, just like every other ditcher he was insensitive and only cared to talk about himself. I gave him another chance, and he spoiled it. I forgave him. But deep down inside I realize I don't need his friendship. It sucks that he can't understand why he does things that make me upset, but I don't think he even tries to understand - he tells me that I take things too seriously, or I overanalyze situations. No, I don't. And while I may take some things out of proportion - just try to understand where I am coming from. Just because I laugh or smile a lot does not mean that EVERYTHING in life has to be all fun and games - no there is a serious side to things and whether or not you relate to how it affects me, at least try to understand that different people react to the same situation differently. And sadly enough, he'll never read this, but just remember that the next time a friend gets mad at you - perhaps their perception of what happened is much different and it affects them more personally.