Tying up Loose Ends

I'm not counting down really, but I have about 1 month before everything changes. It's that time again, moving away, starting a new job, making new friends, starting new life habits. And you always have to ask yourself the question - Am I who I want to be? It's a difficult question to answer. Sometimes you are the person that the situation has dictated. If you move to cold Alaska, maybe you will start doing the things that Alaskans do. But are you doing it because you like doing it or just because you are there? The same is true if you are moving from New York City. All those nights of going out on the town - was that because you were in New York and you had to make the most out of the experience or was it truly something that you enjoyed and will want to do no matter where you go? The same is true of the people you meet. Do you enjoy hanging out with your coworkers or do you prefer meeting people outside of work? Those friends that you have that you only watch movies with or only go bowling with, or only go hiking with - are they any better friends than the ones you go to dinner with, or have been to your house? Do you wish you got to know them in a deeper sense?



So, not to get too philosophical, but its these types of questions I'm thinking right now. Fresh slate - now I will be the new fish in a big pond. I can choose everything about who I hang out with, what I do with my free time, how much I exercise, the healthy foods I eat, all that jazz. So now it's really the time to decide - Who is it that I want to be? And is that me?

And in the meantime there's the daunting task of tying up loose ends. Saying goodbye to old friends, and finding closure with the ones that I probably won't keep in touch with. The ones who forgot about you when you were so close that you don't need to worry about as you move further away. The ones who won't call you on your birthday or Christmas or New Year's. The ones who have always been too busy to write or call you back. The ones you just don't have the energy, nor desire, to fight with. The ones who probably don't even know you are moving. Those are the ones you let go.

I'll always be reminded of what my old choir director said - Not everyone can sit in your front row (in comparing you and your close relationships to stadium seating). And it's true, as new people come in there are only select seats for the front row people. And, as hard as it might be to believe, that someone that once held the top spot must now just be another audience member in the aisle, facts are facts.

So tying up loose ends means, moving on from things that aren't positively impacting my life, saying goodbye to bad eating habits and getting ready to cook more, to eat healthier, to exercise more, read more, write more, do all the things that I've put off because I was so busy. It means meeting people and forming relationships with people that are on your same page, heading towards similar goals. Tying up loose ends means getting rid of all of the baggage and throwing away the junk that you don't want to move with, both literally and figuratively speaking.

Like a seed grows to be a plant
We most sow our seeds and wait
For nature to take its time
And allow us to share in its beauty.

So, let's wait to see what happens. And be excited about the future, but first take care of the present and tie up any loose ends.

I'm writing you a 4 page letter

Ok, well maybe it wasn't four pages, but I found this letter today that I had written to a really good friend of mine before moving away. I don't remember if I gave it to him or not, I probably didn't. But maybe one day I will give it to someone,because it's important to tell people how we feel about them, platonically as well as romantically.

Here's the letter, word for word:

Now is no excuse for mushiness. Well . . .ok . . .just maybe a smidge. Somehow writing things down is so much easier than saying them out loud. You can think clearly without eyeballs of pressure staring you down. Drumroll please . . . Nope, this is not a farewell letter. I won't say goodbye, just see you later, but if I never tell people how much they mean to me, now would probably be a good time. As you can see I even stall in my writing. I mean honestly, this could be a potential life-defining moment - you know with the men and women who go on talk shows 20 years later still taunted by the bully that called the fat or ugly? This is HUGE. I have to really choose my words, take out all the sarcasm and ambiguity. Make it plain as day. So, I came up with this: I Love You. But even as I chopped the sentence to contain my subject (you) and verb (love) and predicate (?) (I), it may still render ambiguity. So let me clarify. Firstly, by I I mean myself, the one who wrote this, [Insert name], in case you forgot between me handing you the envelope. And by you I mean You, person holding this letter, owner of letter, and in case this letters is confiscated, name to whom the envelope is addressed. Ok, so the verb was really tricky. How many other words could I put in there - like, adore, enjoy? Care? 'Like' sounded way too middle school crush-esque, which isn't exactly what I was going for. 'Adore' just sounded way over the top - like you would make or break my enjoyment of sunlight, and 'enjoy' just had way too many other (sick) meanings that I wouldn't wish upon interpretation. 'Care' just seemed too light - I care whether my stockings got a tear, and dude you are so much higher than stockings! So that left the word 'Love,' which is often over and misused these days. Love is the hardest word to explain or describe because it has so many meanings - 1) You've go the love your your pet who quietly is always there for you and fun to play with 2) You've got the love of a favorite piece of clothing that makes you feel confident and in control of the situation 3) You've got the love of a distant cousin that you don't really know that well but you know you are somehow related 4) You've got the love of an immediate family member that you have probably shared most of your life with 5) You've got that romantic lust/love thing with the matured middle-school crush, this time in older years 6) There's the love of a significant other whom you can't imagine your life without 7) You have the eternal love of God and all things beyond this world and 8)you've got that self-love hopefully that glows radiantly when others meet you. So yes, there's no better word to describe such a general and specific emotion, all at the same time. So pick a number and you're probably right. But most importantly, I don't tell you this to blush or make you feel good. Really, I share this with you because that's how I've felt and may never have told you. We go through life silently unappreciated and there's no need for that. You're smart, intelligent, humorous (I'll admit it), somewhat attractive (this whole no sarcasm thing is hard), talented, and a myriad of other adjectives. And I think it's no coincidence that we've crossed paths. I know I needed some freshness. This is probably getting long enough where you are skipping words. Don't. I'll soon stop. So maybe you think me overdramatic when you'll probably see me tomorrow, but maybe I just needed a reason to express my feelings to you because you are important to me and I want you to know that as I go take the road to [insert direction]. I've enjoyed the past year with you. I expect great things of you and nothing less (no pressure). Whatever you do that puts a smile on your face every day makes me happy too. So if you ever, ever, for some strange reason, forget about me (like 10 years from now - don't even think about it before then), then always remember me and my letter to you. Good Luck, God Bless.

Love,

me

on Dating

Life amuses me. The most recent topic of conversation was dating. A friend of mine, we'll call her Leslie, was going out with this guy, Sammy. Well first things first, we don't really know that it was a date. Two people agreed to eat food together. Nowadays you never know if that's a date or just hanging out. It's pretty funny actually. So Sam and Leslie met at a mutual friend's house. Then we all happened to be at the volleyball pick-up game and they were on the same team. They got to talking and things just hit it off. He walked her home since no one wanted to get sand in their car, and she offered to buy him dinner as a thank you. As a true gentleman, he declined, but they agreed to go to dinner anyway. Anyway, the night before the "date" I'm talking to Leslie like we're in middle school - you know wondering if this is two friends going out or more, if he's interested or just being nice, etc. And to add complications Sammy was just offered a photojournalist gig in Europe. He took it, but we really don't know when or if he is planning on coming back. Let's just call him a free spirit.

So, dilemma number one is even figuring out the situation, if there is a situation at all. And dilemma two is why get all caught up with feelings if Sammy is going to be in Europe for some indiscriminate amount of time? But then life is happening today and you can't worry about the future and not do things because of what may hapen in the future.

So Sam and Leslie went on their date. It went alright. I think it's too early to judge, but at the same time time is running out. I think he flies to Amsterdam on Thursday. Craziness. What should she do? (Rhetorical, I think the answer is just to go with the flow). Dun dun DunNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN. (dramatically)

I said all this to say that this whole dating "thing" is hilarious. The things we do for love. It's fun, it's scary, it's exciting, and it's well . . . it's that thing that makes us human.