Lust, Trust, and so much more!

Where do I begin? Hmm ok well I will start with lust. This is going to be a personal post, so you'll get to know a little more about me and my train of thought. Ok, I guess you said around 5th grade I started noticing boys - and I mean as more than getting rid of mice. They were different, cute even; well the ones that didn't have cooties. And as the years progressed there were some head turners. Even now, I have to check ring fingers. Not because I'm looking, but just because. So my first question is, when is it lust? You see that gorgeous guy from across the room and you make eye contact. Someone makes their way over and a simple "hi" leads to a desired conversation by both parties. That is the physical attraction. You talk and talk but are somewhat caught up in appearances. They could say they counted paper clips for a living and you would smile and laugh at their every joke. (not that there is anything wrong with counting paper clips, just an example). So do you like them? Can you really infer that from a shallow conversation that was built on how the person looked? Is that lust? So the two of you agree to go out and get to know eachother better. This is where a possible friendship could start. Now two things could happen if you find out you aren't compatible. You could find out that you just aren't compatible and end it there or you "see it through," trying to make him/her fit into your profile or standards. And we do that lots of times, because we lustfully want to be with someone even though in the back of our mind (sometimes the far far far back) we know that they aren't the one for us - whether it be their beliefs, values, hobbies, location, etc. Well that ties me into my next topic. Because I'm surrounded by "potentials" - you know those guys that just look good, that you could "make it work" with. It's horrible, really. I think that I am being tested (by God). Because as of late I have run into beautiful men who just aren't right for me. And it's really really hard not to go after water in the desert, ya know? But I know that if I did, it would be for the wrong reasons, for the physical attraction, or the laughs, or just to hangout - not that there is anything wrong with hanging out. But I would be leading the guy on if I tried to make it into something more than it's not. And you're probably thinking, well how can that be a test. Well let's see, right and left my friends are getting married, Valentine's day is around the corner, and all that jazz. So I'm trying not to get caught up in the hype. Not letting phone calls mean more than they are, or good conversations have to spark more than friendship. I think that we sometimes get caught up in what the person has to offer, rather than the actual person. I graduated college and spaces that those people used to fill are now being filled during a good conversation, and you think that means something, when really it doesn't. So, I'm going to trust that God has more in store for me and lay back and relax.

Hehe this was all sparked during a conversation at swing dancing. lol. But an old friend has come back into my life and I'm getting closer with newer acquaintances/friends. This is why you gotta love life. There's so much unexpected.

Alright that's it for now. :)

Freedom

I feel liberated. A lot of things are going right in my life. I've let go of a lot of attachments. My attitude has not changed to "who cares?" but rather to "why worry?". It's a great feeling. I'm organizing my thoughts and my life and my space. Decluttering the soul, so to speak. Give it a try, it does wonders.

From a speaker (paraphrase):
If you don't know where you are going, any path will take you there.

Excerpt

Excerpt from a poem I wrote:

But is it you that is the coward?
To stand up for what you believe
Always wanting to be the people pleaser

Well spare me the facade . . .


A work in progress. But I love that stanza.

Friendship

The topic for today is Friendship. I've been put in a very flexible position. Is friendship guaranteed, or is it something that you earn? If you were very good friends with a person and they wronged you and years passed by, do you owe them friendship when you meet up again? Can the two of you casually say hi, neglecting all the things that had happened? The answer is no. You can't continue without acknowledgement, at the least, for the things that have happened. So I do believe that people should be forgiven. But here's the catch: when do you go back to where you were? How do you avoid being that rug that is constantly being stepped on, and when do you call it a day and move on? This is the flexible position I am in. I have the opportunity, with one phone call, to try to make amends (for something I did not do) and open up the past, or I could just move on, not calling. The easy decision is to not call - forgive the person and move on. I believe that things happen for a reason. But which thing? Was it the falling out of friendship that happened for a reason or was it the extension of reconnecting with the aforementioned phone number? That is what I am trying to figure out. I think that we have to let go of some friends because perhaps they are not a postive influence in our lives. Perhaps their very presence hinders us from reaching our goals. So if you were to lose touch with one of the people you kinda shrug your shoulders and say oh well it was meant to be. But what if they changed? What if they come back into your life and our different? Do you give them a second chance? What if was a close friend who made some mistakes? What if you don't know the whole story? Do you stick around to find out? Or do you also let them go with a shrug of the shoulder? And it's a hard decision. Because one leaves you susceptible to getting hurt and the other leaves you possibly missing out on a great person.

And I don't know the answer. There's no way to know. And I won't know which decision is right. I just have to take it on head-on. And I'm afraid of looking the fool or being stepped on, but I'm also afraid on missing out on the stories of someone else's life. Which is more important? The risk of failure or the risk of missed opportunity?

What do you think?

Rock Climbing

Today was very eventful. After work I went rock climbing. Yes, you heard me right, rock climbing. It was awesome. I think I kinda got over my fear of heights. The first time I was scared because of the disaster in Pittsburgh - she told me to let go, not to worry, next thing I know I'm scraping the wall at rapid speed, nothing holding me down. However, this time was much much different. We went through an hour of training on how to balay (the person on the ground, the spotter) and how to knot the rope. I really had a great time. And a bunch of my classmates were there so it was even more fun with people that you know.

After that I decided to work out, but that gym is tinyyyyyyyy. So I'm on the elliptical and I'm totally bored - no good magazines, the music was too mellow - and I'm looking below to see people playing basketball. Now that looks fun, I thought to myself. More fun than what I am doing. Those of you who know me know that I am infamous for talking to strangers. So I went down and asked a kid who was playing by himself if we could do one on one. We didn't get to finish the game but it was 15-7 him before someone had to take the ball back. That was a lot of fun. And now I am so psyched. Call it adrenaline, what have you. This is what I've been missing for the past 4 months (yes, it's been 4 months since I've been to a gym). And I feel so healthy and productive. Ahhhhhhhhh.

:) All Smiles.

Happy New Year!!

Here's to new beginnings!! It is 2006. Can you believe it? I'm looking forward to starting afresh and just seeing where the wind blows. I have some resolutions, but I won't write them down here. Breathe in, breathe out. Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. :)