Lust, Trust, and so much more!

Where do I begin? Hmm ok well I will start with lust. This is going to be a personal post, so you'll get to know a little more about me and my train of thought. Ok, I guess you said around 5th grade I started noticing boys - and I mean as more than getting rid of mice. They were different, cute even; well the ones that didn't have cooties. And as the years progressed there were some head turners. Even now, I have to check ring fingers. Not because I'm looking, but just because. So my first question is, when is it lust? You see that gorgeous guy from across the room and you make eye contact. Someone makes their way over and a simple "hi" leads to a desired conversation by both parties. That is the physical attraction. You talk and talk but are somewhat caught up in appearances. They could say they counted paper clips for a living and you would smile and laugh at their every joke. (not that there is anything wrong with counting paper clips, just an example). So do you like them? Can you really infer that from a shallow conversation that was built on how the person looked? Is that lust? So the two of you agree to go out and get to know eachother better. This is where a possible friendship could start. Now two things could happen if you find out you aren't compatible. You could find out that you just aren't compatible and end it there or you "see it through," trying to make him/her fit into your profile or standards. And we do that lots of times, because we lustfully want to be with someone even though in the back of our mind (sometimes the far far far back) we know that they aren't the one for us - whether it be their beliefs, values, hobbies, location, etc. Well that ties me into my next topic. Because I'm surrounded by "potentials" - you know those guys that just look good, that you could "make it work" with. It's horrible, really. I think that I am being tested (by God). Because as of late I have run into beautiful men who just aren't right for me. And it's really really hard not to go after water in the desert, ya know? But I know that if I did, it would be for the wrong reasons, for the physical attraction, or the laughs, or just to hangout - not that there is anything wrong with hanging out. But I would be leading the guy on if I tried to make it into something more than it's not. And you're probably thinking, well how can that be a test. Well let's see, right and left my friends are getting married, Valentine's day is around the corner, and all that jazz. So I'm trying not to get caught up in the hype. Not letting phone calls mean more than they are, or good conversations have to spark more than friendship. I think that we sometimes get caught up in what the person has to offer, rather than the actual person. I graduated college and spaces that those people used to fill are now being filled during a good conversation, and you think that means something, when really it doesn't. So, I'm going to trust that God has more in store for me and lay back and relax.

Hehe this was all sparked during a conversation at swing dancing. lol. But an old friend has come back into my life and I'm getting closer with newer acquaintances/friends. This is why you gotta love life. There's so much unexpected.

Alright that's it for now. :)

Freedom

I feel liberated. A lot of things are going right in my life. I've let go of a lot of attachments. My attitude has not changed to "who cares?" but rather to "why worry?". It's a great feeling. I'm organizing my thoughts and my life and my space. Decluttering the soul, so to speak. Give it a try, it does wonders.

From a speaker (paraphrase):
If you don't know where you are going, any path will take you there.

Excerpt

Excerpt from a poem I wrote:

But is it you that is the coward?
To stand up for what you believe
Always wanting to be the people pleaser

Well spare me the facade . . .


A work in progress. But I love that stanza.

Friendship

The topic for today is Friendship. I've been put in a very flexible position. Is friendship guaranteed, or is it something that you earn? If you were very good friends with a person and they wronged you and years passed by, do you owe them friendship when you meet up again? Can the two of you casually say hi, neglecting all the things that had happened? The answer is no. You can't continue without acknowledgement, at the least, for the things that have happened. So I do believe that people should be forgiven. But here's the catch: when do you go back to where you were? How do you avoid being that rug that is constantly being stepped on, and when do you call it a day and move on? This is the flexible position I am in. I have the opportunity, with one phone call, to try to make amends (for something I did not do) and open up the past, or I could just move on, not calling. The easy decision is to not call - forgive the person and move on. I believe that things happen for a reason. But which thing? Was it the falling out of friendship that happened for a reason or was it the extension of reconnecting with the aforementioned phone number? That is what I am trying to figure out. I think that we have to let go of some friends because perhaps they are not a postive influence in our lives. Perhaps their very presence hinders us from reaching our goals. So if you were to lose touch with one of the people you kinda shrug your shoulders and say oh well it was meant to be. But what if they changed? What if they come back into your life and our different? Do you give them a second chance? What if was a close friend who made some mistakes? What if you don't know the whole story? Do you stick around to find out? Or do you also let them go with a shrug of the shoulder? And it's a hard decision. Because one leaves you susceptible to getting hurt and the other leaves you possibly missing out on a great person.

And I don't know the answer. There's no way to know. And I won't know which decision is right. I just have to take it on head-on. And I'm afraid of looking the fool or being stepped on, but I'm also afraid on missing out on the stories of someone else's life. Which is more important? The risk of failure or the risk of missed opportunity?

What do you think?

Rock Climbing

Today was very eventful. After work I went rock climbing. Yes, you heard me right, rock climbing. It was awesome. I think I kinda got over my fear of heights. The first time I was scared because of the disaster in Pittsburgh - she told me to let go, not to worry, next thing I know I'm scraping the wall at rapid speed, nothing holding me down. However, this time was much much different. We went through an hour of training on how to balay (the person on the ground, the spotter) and how to knot the rope. I really had a great time. And a bunch of my classmates were there so it was even more fun with people that you know.

After that I decided to work out, but that gym is tinyyyyyyyy. So I'm on the elliptical and I'm totally bored - no good magazines, the music was too mellow - and I'm looking below to see people playing basketball. Now that looks fun, I thought to myself. More fun than what I am doing. Those of you who know me know that I am infamous for talking to strangers. So I went down and asked a kid who was playing by himself if we could do one on one. We didn't get to finish the game but it was 15-7 him before someone had to take the ball back. That was a lot of fun. And now I am so psyched. Call it adrenaline, what have you. This is what I've been missing for the past 4 months (yes, it's been 4 months since I've been to a gym). And I feel so healthy and productive. Ahhhhhhhhh.

:) All Smiles.

Happy New Year!!

Here's to new beginnings!! It is 2006. Can you believe it? I'm looking forward to starting afresh and just seeing where the wind blows. I have some resolutions, but I won't write them down here. Breathe in, breathe out. Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. :)

Merry Christmas!

Merry Christmas!!

Big Sigh of Relief

Ahhhhhhhhhhhh. That is the feeling I am feeling right now. I am back home from school on break for a couple of weeks. A real break this time. Not like Thanksgiving break where I had to study for exams. A pure, fun-filled, relaxing break. I get to take these two weeks for Christmas and New Year's off then it's back to school to do research. Classes don't start up again until February. I'm really looking forward to the free time to get some things together. I want to read a good book - unrelated to anything academic. I'm looking forward to seeing more of my friends. Chill time with the fam. Movies, movies, movies. There's so much "life" to catch up on. Phone conversations. This next month will be very well utilized. I just feel this huge burden lifted off me. I can't wait to get things organized and feel in control again. Kinda my New Year's resolution that I'm starting a bit early. Ahhhh. Well things to do. Ciao. ~

Ups and Downs

Every week I experience my share of ups and downs. Lately, because of grad school, the slopes are always steep. It's like a rollercoaster that you don't choose to get on. It's been very tough because there are always roadblocks and obstacles telling you you can't do it. But you can! I can!! I can do this. It's not bigger than me!! If it can be done, then I can do it! You'll get to forks in the road where you don't know which way to go. And then you make your decision and there are all these negative things telling you you made the wrong decision. There will be people who are better than you at what you do, making you feel insecure about your ability.There will be questions so tough that you can't figure out, that make you believe you don't know anything at all.

But this journey is called Life. And it wouldn't be what it is if everything was handed to us; if we didn't have to make some important life decisions. And there are no guarantees that the road we choose IS the right one, but "Don't let the fear of striking out, keep you from playing the game" (from A Cinderella Story).

I needed to hear this. Maybe someone else needed to hear this. But if you hear me, don't just sit on it. Do what you gotta do! Because I believe you can do it!! :)

The Way I Was Made

Song I'm loving (in bold are my favorite lines):

The Way I was made
by Chris Tomlin

Caught in the half-life, I’m caught alone
Waking up to the sunrise and the radio
Feels like I’m tired of, what’s holding me?
Just praying today will be the day I go free

I want to live like there’s no tomorrow
I want to dance like no one’s around
I want to sing like nobody’s listening
Before I lay my body down
I want to give like I have plenty
I want to love like I’m not afraid
I want to be the man I was meant to be
I want to be the way I was made

Made in Your likeness, made with Your hands
Made to discover who You are and who I am
And All I’ve forgotten help me to find
All that You’ve promised let it be in my life

I want to live like there’s no tomorrow
I want to dance like no one’s around
I want to sing like nobody’s listening
Before I lay my body down

I want to give like I have plenty
I want to love like I’m not afraid
I want to be the man I was meant to be
I want to be the way I was made

ohhhhh
The way I was made
OhhhhI want to live like there’s no tomorrow
I want to dance like no one’s around
I want to sing like nobody’s listening
Before I lay my body down
I want to give like I have plenty
I want to love like I’m not afraid
I want to be the man I was meant to be
I want to be the way I was made
I want to be the way I was made
I want to be the way I was made

If you like this song check out Chris Tomlin in the Christian Worship section of you local music archives.

The Story of the Carpenter

I found this on someone elses page:

"THE CARPENTER
An elderly carpenter was ready to retire. He told his employer-contractor of his plans to leave the house-building business and live a more leisurely life with his wife enjoying his extended family. He would miss the paycheck, but he needed to retire. They could get by. The contractor was sorry to see his good worker go and asked if he could build just one more house as a personal favor. The carpenter said yes, but in time it was easy to see that his heart was not in his work. He resorted to shoddy workmanship and used inferior materials. It was an unfortunate way to end his career.

"When the carpenter finished his work and the builder came to inspect the house, the contractor handed the front-door key to the carpenter. "This is your house," he said, "my gift to you."
What a shock! What a shame! If he had only known he was building his own house, he would have done it all so differently. Now he had to live in the home he had built none too well. "

So are you building the life that you want to live? It's a really deep question, to be honest. If you had to keep doing the things that you currently are doing - would you be happy. Is there a bad habit that you always want to quit but you never really try to quit. I know there's some faulty nails in the house I'm building and it really made me think. If I had to live in it would I be pleased? Humpf... something to think about guys.

Updates

Hey Everyone. Well it's been a very long time since I have written in here. So let me update you on what has happened.

Well I started grad school, for one. It's hard, I'm not going to lie. Most days I spend at least 75% of the day in school or doing school related activities. So, life as I know it, is again me and my TEXTBOOKS, haha. I am learning a lot though. And I am getting the hang of programming in MatLab.

I moved to a new city . Or shoudl I say town? It's definitely different than where I'm from but I haven't had too much time to go site seeing, which I want to do one of these days.

My birthday just passed so a shout out to all those who celebrated with me.

Hmm, I had a lot more in my head when I first started to type. I think I'm just tired. It's about 7pm now and my last meal was breakfast at 12pm so maybe I'm just a little light headed. Yeah, yeah I'm cooking so I will be up to speed in about 30 minutes. And I worked my butt off today so I think I will watch Beauty Shop tonight.

Oh I do have a topic. I am not very versed on current events but I'm working on it. Anyway the former Education Secretary, William Bennett, is quoted as saying "But I do know that it's true that if you wanted to reduce crime, you could, if that were your sole purpose, you could abort every black baby in this country, and your crime rate would go down," on his morning talk show. He did finish by calling it "an impossible, ridiculous and morally reprehensible thing to do, but your crime rate would go down. So these far-out, these far-reaching, extensive extrapolations are, I think, tricky."

Wow, can you believe that someone so educated and high in power could make a statement like that? That is really disturbing. And it is also disturbing that the Black race was singled out for his hypothetical situation. If you had less people crime would go down but I think it's a horrible thing to say that we could go killing to reduce crime.

The thing that people do not realize is yes, we are all human. But when you are in a position where you are a political or any type of role model, you have to watch what you say. And the face that you said it, means that you believe it, regardless if it is hypothetical or not. For all we know the Holocaust started out as a hypothetical statement. But look at how far we have come from those barbaric thoughts, let alone activities. Bennett says that he owes no one an apology and people are misquoting him and not getting the full picture. Well what picture would he have us draw? You can't possibly say something so dramatic and think it is ok.

Which makes it more important for us to vote. And not randomly. Try to stay on top of things and find out about the person's character. It is scary when the top officials do not have any faith in some of their voters/population.

Do Something

In the wake of Hurricane Katrina, I'm going to encourage everyone to DO SOMETHING. You'd be surprised at how far a little will go. Even a dollar at the dollar store can buy you a toothbrush, soap, socks, a bottle of water, etc . . . To someone who has lost everything, it could mean a lot. As we grow up we hear of disasters all around the world and we think, what can we do. Well now it is actually in our own homeland. Are you a part of the problem or the solution?

Everyone wants to play the political game of pointing fingers. But that does not help in the here in now. What actualy helps is money donations, time donations, prayers, and words of encouragement.

Sometimes something earth shattering happens to make us realize what we did not see before. There were poverty-stricken people living in Louisiana before the hurricane, and just now is the government helping them. Perhaps the future brings brighter days for the people of LA. My deepest condolences to those who have lost loved ones and friends. But I have hope that things will get better and I ask for everyone to look for the rainbow at the end of the storm. Perhaps this can bring us as people together and we can see that amidst trials and tribulations we aren't all that different after all.

Also, we can not forget the victims of 9-11 today. Sometimes I feel overwhelmed about all of the distraught in the world. And I feel like there is nothing that I can do. But I try. I try to give and I try to help and I try to help others to do the same. And I pray. So whatever you do, Do Something. Because the fate of the world is in trouble when good men do nothing (paraphrasing a famous quote).

I love being a girl

Top Ten Reasons to be A Girl

10. You can ask for help loading your car at the store and no one gives you a hard time.
9. You can wear a skirt when it's really hot outside and pants would stick to your legs
8. Guys are expected to hold the door open for you AND
7. You usually get to places first because "Ladies before Gentlemen"
6. You don't have to enter into the draft if you don't want to
5. You can cry at a movie without getting ragged on by the masses
4. You can watch Chick Flicks by yourself
3. Our clothes are just better. More colorful.
2. You can pretend to be ditzy when you don't want to talk to a guy.
1. The fate of the population lies with you - let's just call it POWER. hehe.

Wohoo.

Getting Out of Debt

ok guys . . this may be a long one. I just came back from Mount Ararat Baptist Church in Pittsburgh, PA and I just had to share this message with you. The pastor preached on debt. And I know a lot of us still have college loans or credit cards, what have you, so this may be right up your alley.

I'm going to try to recreate the message, not doing it full justice, but I will attempt to engage you the way I was engaged. DISCLAIMER: These are not my words, so I'm not taking credit for it. I don't know the pastors name, but these are from him.

First we started off by reading 2 Kings 4:1-7. From NIV:
The wife of a man from the company of the prophets cried out to Elisha, "Your servant my husband is dead, and you know that he served the Lord. But now his creditor is coming to take my two boys as his slaves.
Elisha replied to her, "How can I help you? Tell me, what do you have in your house?"
"Your servant has nothing there at all," she said, "except a little oil."
Elisha said, "Go around and ask all your neighbors for empty jars. Don't ask for just a few. Then go inside and shut the door behind you and your sons. Pour oil into all the jars, and as each is filled, put it to one side."
She left him and afterward shut the door behind her and her sons. They brought the jars to her and she kept pouring. When all the jars were full, she said to her son, "Bring me another one."
But he replied,"There is not a jar left." Then the oil stopped flowing.
She went and told the man of God, and he said, "Go, sell the oil and pay your debts. You and your sons can live on what is left."

Now you may be thinking, Why is the Church talking to its congregation about money? The answer is simple. Debt blocks dreams, shapes emotions, defines attitudes. It makes you paranoid. It makes you nervous every time the phone rings. It makes you anxious when you get to the checkout and your credit card is swiped. It makes you leave you mail in the mailbox, for fear of getting a bill. It makes you lie - telling the person on the telephone that you aren't here. It even makes you turn down opportunities to hang out with friends (for fear that it may be your turn to pay). All jokes aside, Debt restricts us and limits what we can do.

Now how does this tie into the Church? Well It's hard to reach up high (for Christ) when there is an anchor pulling you down. You want to give money but your debt is telling you that you just can't give offering. You would like to gain spiritual insight at a Church retreat, but your debt is telling you that you better not pay that fee. Your debt is telling you that although you have a well paying job, you have to work on Sunday and you can't go to Church. God can't like that. And so God doesn't like debt.

The pastor is saying that when money becomes the dictator of your spiritual life THERE IS A PROBLEM. And regardless of your beliefs, when debt dictates where you work, how far you work, how many hours you work, the balance between home and work, your academic path, etc.. .there is a problem.

So then the missing link between debt and not having debt is changing your habits. Everyone has fun while they are getting into debt - getting credit cards, buying purchases you can't afford, eating out all the time, driving when you could walk (with these gas prices). And then people get mad that it is soooooooooooo hard to get out of debt. It takes hard work, perserverence, and labor. The same hard work, perserverence, and labor that got you into the debt. You have to change your habits if you want to get out of debt. You can't be that person that says you know you have to change and not actually do anything about it.

The woman in the Bible passage had to go from door to door collecting jars. Now, she didn't know what was going to happen with the jars. But she collected as much as she could. Just imagine her knocking on people's doors and getting jars; each time explaining why she needed the jars. Then walking back to her house when her hands got full and going back out again - all on the blind faith that the prophet gave her. When she finally came in and closed the door he told her to pour the little oil into her jars. Now I'm thinking that she has about 4 oz of oil and she collected all these 64 oz jars and she's looking at this prophet like he's crazy. How would that little oil fill these bottles? But she obeys, and as she starts to pour the oil out, it keeps flowing. WOW. So you don't need more oil, God will stretch the little oil you have. Aren't we all waiting to start something new when we have enough money? Why not just use what you have and STRETCH IT OUT?

God provided for this woman because she trusted him. She obeyed and He made it so that she could pay her debt and live off the rest. How can we use this in our daily lives? Well if at the end of the paycheck all you have is a dollar, shut the door. And put it in a jar. Each time you put in a jar, you will be amazed at how you can stretch what you have.

It takes a big change of habits. "You can't have Lexus taste on skateboard finances.(pastor)" There has to be some give and take - for the ladies, do you own hair, or go every OTHER week. And you know how you sleep that first day and your head is not touching the pillow? Sleep like that for 3 days - the style will last longer. And for the guys - Do you really need a new suit? Buy a new tie, no one will notice.If they ask if that's a new suit, don't lie; just don't answer. You have to eat in sometimes. Broke is a condition, not a lifestyle. Conditions can be broken.

I think I've summarized what the message was. It was on point, it had hilarious moments of those truths we do that we know we need to work on and it just takes someone pointing them out for you to be honest with yourself. I hope you guys enjoyed this. And please, rememeber to shut the door, and fill the jar.

Have you ever

Have you ever thought you knew what someone was thinking, only to look at them and know that you were wrong? Here's a poem I wrote about just that.

In that split second
I looked at you and knew
That what I previously thought
Could not, in deed, be true
I thought you felt for me
What I had felt for you
But your eyes do not agree
And so I start anew.

April Update

Feels like a long time since I last wrote in here. Things that have happened since then. I decided which grad school I'm going to (If you want to know ask me). I am loving my fun classes - ballroom dancing and piano. Senior design is a lot of work. And it's beginning to feel like senior year of high school, where you know the end is near. I can't believe that we only have about 6 weeks left. I'm going to miss everyone and just being on this campus. Ok, short entry, but more later.

Lines of Miscommunication

The events in life are all happening through a kaleidescope. I think it's so funny how two people can view the same situation. The key to everyone understanding the situation is to keep the lines of communication open. Last year when I was in the dorms, a mutual friend of mine and my roommates called the room asking for her. I got no hello, or any acknowledgement that he knew me when I answered the phone. I thought the guy was very rude, because he usually will say hi to me. It turns out, as my roommate later informed me, that he was simultaneoulsy hit by a football in the face after he had dialed the number and when I picked up he was not feeling too friendly. So, after finding out this information, I felt a whole lot better to know he wasn't just being rude.

Well there was a similar situation that happened recently. I have been known to not be able to read between the lines so I've been trying to improve and I guess I get overzealous and make lines to read between. So I let someones actions be a line I was reading between and got mad at what I read. Sounds funny, ay? It went out for nearly two weeks and I'm the type of person to just get madder and madder. Fortunately, the situation was reconciled after communicating my thoughts to the other person. Turns out I had in fact misread an invisible line. Haha.

Figured I would kill some time before my final. I don't like to study right up until the last minute. I'm taking this last hour off, just going to review. I'm eating right now, yummm and just clearing my head. Tomorrow I fly to Michigan to visit MSU - I'm very excited.

Happy Birthday to Patricia!

Happy Belated Birthdays to: Nadia, Veronica, Laura V.

Can you guys believe we are getting ready to graduate? Please send me pics so that I can remember you all buy. I'm on ofoto.com - I'll send you some if you send me some.

Also, what are you guys up to? You people need bloggers so that I can read about your interesting stories without your knowledge. Yup, kinda like what you are doing right now. Easy way to solve that would be to leave a comment. . .C'mon it's not like I don't know you are reading it. Just click Leave Comment and then go to Anonymous Comment. Otherwise it's almost like written eavesdropping. Lol. Have a great spring break everyone. And Happy Easter!

Happy March

You know what? We always wait for the begining of a year to make some remarkable change. But ode to new beginnings. It's a new month, spring is approaching, this is great. I will be terribly busy in the next two weeks as we approach finals. I'm trying to be on top of things now, in week 9, so that I'll be better off finals week.

Hmm . . .since I last wrote. I saw Hitch - great movie. It was really on the ball. And we all know that we were laughing because the stuff said in the movie is true. The writers did a really good job and there were some classic lines. The acting was really good too. Will Smith looked FINE and CLASSY, which is missing in today's society. And that guy from King of Queens played the pathetic-can't-get-a-girl guy and did very well. That will be a movie to add to the collection. Along with Brown Sugar for anyone who's looking to buy me a dvd.

What else? Oh, I watched From Kelly to Justin on In Demand. And guys I have to tell you, it was really cute. Now the acting wasn't superb (give them a break, they are not actors) but it was different than todays movies. Instead of playing music in the background the characters would break out into ballads. I thought it was a cute clean cheesy romantic film.

Hmm what else do I have to write about? I'm reading Ernest Hemingway's The Sun Also Rises, which is surprisingly an easy read. Once you hear the word Hemingway you think classic, and they are usually written in a different type of language. But it's not that hard to follow; although I have been missing the subtleties.

Ok that's it for now. I won't promise any more entries for a while because of finals, but we'll see. Adieu.

Risks

I was just reading Jasmin's Xanga and she talked about risks: calculate, educated risks. It's an interesting topic. A lot of times we go through life taking the safe road, afraid of the unknown. But how do you feel about taking risks? Frankly, I am scared to death of jumping into the lake without knowing what depth it is. But that would be a stupid risk. Examples of educated, calculated risks: Telling someone how you feel when they may not say the same, turning down a job offer in hopes of a better job, turning down money for a job that doesn't make you happy, standing up to your boss when he or she is in the wrong, arguing a grade with a teacher who you need to write a recommendation for you, speaking up for yourself when you are the only one who feels that way, and so on. But the thing is - as scared as we may be, as scared as I get, in taking these risks - it feels good when all is said and done. When I was at camp we had to climb a 40ft tree and walk across a wire to the other tree and climb back down. I am afraid of heights. It was one of the scariest things I had ever done, but I did it and I was so proud of myself. It was like an episode of fear factor. You were in control on deciding if you would let your fear stop you from even trying. At a different camp, before I learned to swim, they made us jump into water that was 12 ft deep. I had a life jacket on but I was sweating bullets. I prayed and jumped in. I did not like it - but you know what I'm kinda glad I did it. Then there are the funny risks (Ra knows about this one). I didn't want to go on a rollercoaster - it did loops, went backwards, and was basically scary. But said person dragged me along because they really wanted to ride it and they didn't want to ride alone. I started crying before the thing even took off and then, as I wiped my tears, a smile appeared on my face and I said "Wow, that was fun." The main thing is just having the guts to try.

See the thing with a risk is - you don't have to do it. There is always that space where you can hesitate, pause some more, and if you are really frightened, back out. But once you back out you are left wondering what would have happened. That is what makes it a risk. And you will never know the outcome of the unchosen choice. That is the scary part.

So I say - live a little, take some chances. But please be safe and don't do anything stupid.

My quote of the day: "Sometimes we think we are on the path alone. But remember that there are many parallel roads that lead to the same place. So just look over your shoulder - you're not alone after all."