Fool's Gold

Sometimes we accept polished dirt as though it were a diamond. And it may look exactly like a diamond, but it is hollow and empty, with a shine finish. Recognizing this fool's gold is the first step, and then not accepting it is the next.

I had a "friend" from college move to New York City. I haven't seen her in 8-10 years so I was excited to have her nearby. We saw eachother at a mutual friend's birthday party and caught up and exchanged contact information. I texted her when I got home that it was nice to see her and we should catch up again. She texted:

"If you are ever in the area, hit me up, and I'll try to meet up with you"

Great!! Sounded like a plan. I would see her and it would be just like old times. Great that she is up for seeing me as well. A couple of days passed, and I realized she had given me polished dirt. Wait a second. That was about the most conditional statement a person could give. Let's dissect the text she sent that I was so happy about earlier.

"If you are ever in the area, hit me up . . . " - she flipped the script on me. Now the responsibility is on me to text her if I am in NYC, which is 2 hours away. I'm not going to drive up there to see her without definite plans, so if I am in the area I would have already had plans with someone else. Ok, so maybe between my plans with them and leaving, there would be a 1-2 hour gap.

". . . I'll try to meet up with you." So if I text her, there's a 50/50 chance that she is free during the 1-2 hour gap that I have and she will only 'try' to meet up with me. What? Really? There's like no chance I would actually see her.

So I gave her the benefit of the doubt and texted:

"It's probably easier if we have set plans. Let me know when you want to get together."

To which she replied:

"Ugh, so much planning. I'm sure we will figure it out."

This, my friends, is an empty promise. She doesn't mind seeing me if it is totally convenient to her and her schedule but she obviously will make no plans to definitively see me. If I accept this, then I will constantly be texting and trying to meet when I happen to be 2 hours north of where I live. So I reject this!!! I reject people making me a non-priority. If you want to see me, make plans. If you don't want to see me, then don't pretend you do. The same goes true with guys and romantic relationships. How many times do we get fooled by the shininess, and totally overlook that we have been handing a pile of dirt?

So, now you know. It's so funny how many times this happens - work lunches, social events, friendships, relationships - that we are so immune to it. But it is happening all the time. The careful wordsmithing that makes you feel as though they really care. But they don't. They are open to "it" (whatever the it may be) only if other plans aren't better.

The sociology of the millinium . . . . what a trip . . .!

New Beginnings

It's that time again: time that I moved on to the next role and the next location. Only, this time, I moved back home, and I don't have any plans of moving again. It's permanent. Wow, definitely a different perspective than I've had in the last decade. And I am excited. Excited to try all the different things that I may not have wanted to 'commit' to before. So, for the next couple of 'episodes' of my life, I think I'll take you guys on a journey of what it's like moving somewhere and how I start that ball rolling of who I am in this small dot on the globe. Sure, this is home, but home has changed and the people that might have been available now are married, with kids, or have also moved. So it will be a balancing act and trapeze act, and all the good stuff in between.

One of the first things I like to do when I get somewhere new - and yes, I am treating this like a new place - is to first Get Acclimated. So, as much as I love going out and checking out what there is to do, I first need to unpack, get settled, and get my bearings. Even though I'm 'back' let's just say the neighborhood has changed, so, from freeing myself of the dependence of a gps, to finding out which grocery store has the best options for me, those are the little things that really make you comfortable.

Once I'm comfortable driving around, I definitely Look for a Place of Faith; for me a Church. Faith is one of the most important things to me, so to find a place where I belong that is along my beliefs, is invaluable. It is also a great way to meet like-minded individuals. Church shopping, as I like to call it, is a rather tedious and hard process, because you have to be critical of genuinely good places. And it's slow, because you can really only check out a service on a Sunday, but once you find one, it's a really good feeling. And then you can become active and all that jazz.

I love to Reconnect with family and friends in the area I might know; whether it be to catch up over lunch or to meet up and watch a movie. And of course new possible connections through the new job or a new person bringing you out somewhere. I do like to leave the calendar a little open to allow for spontaneity.

There's the whole process to Find a Gym or some other form of active expression; utilizing those free passes to really find one that you like and that you will go to!!! Love my Zumba!

Then there's the Social Scene. Now, this will be different for everyone, depending on your age, what you like to do, and what's available. I love, love, LOVEEEE the website Meetup.com. I should be a paid sponsor the way I talk about them, but it's really a safe and cheap way to meet people that like what you like. I've found out about music concerts, dancing events, festivals, book clubs, and so much more either from joining a group or from meeting someone in a group and getting connected. I am also pretty big into the dancing scene (Salsa) so I find people that like to go salsa dancing or google "Salsa" for my area. And sometimes, this does mean going out alone but if the options are go and find something new, or don't go and stay home and not do the thing you love, I usually opt to try the going out option. If I don't like it, I can always leave.

Which leads me to a point that I have been told many times before: you have a lot of guts to go places by yourself. Hmm, ok, thanks! I guess I don't see it as guts - I'm not fighting war people, but yes, it does take some self-confidence to go into a place where you don't know if you will know anyone, or one where you probably know no one. Take this weekend for example. I saw this event on MeetUp that I wanted to go to. I didn't know anyone, just the 1cm photo of the other members (who never look like their photo when you are looking for them in a dark club). So I'm walking around trying to see someone familiar and it just wasn't happening. Finally, someone that I had met 2 weeks ago at another Salsa event spotted me and kindly invited me to their table (pays to be nice to people!). Now,  if that hadn't happened I would have sat down somewhere (these people don't own the whole table, an empty seat is an available seat), taken off my coat, put on my dance shoes, and made my way to the floor. If I picked the 'wrong' table to sit at and they were mean or made me feel comfortable, I would pick up my stuff and move it, realizing that I don't owe strangers anything. The environment was a very open table style with dance floor in the middle.

By the end of the night, I had danced with several other dancers, made some new connections, and even bumped into some old friends. It was a success!!! But all because I went out and put myself out there. I've had some duds, but you just gotta shake it off (yup, total Taylor Swift reference - don't hate, it's catchy).

So, that's it for now. I still have to continue my Church voyage and find another activity like volunteering or something to feel helpful to my new community. And there are personal goals of cooking, reading, exercising - and basically challenging myself - that I want to achieve. Of course keeping in touch with family and friends. And basically rebuilding.

As daunting as it sounds, it's kinda fun to start over.

Peace Out :)

BBD - on Relationships

(Continuing with the Bible Broken Down series, here is my paraphrasing from a sermon.)

Sermon 6/1/14
Pastor John Adolf
Antioch Baptist Church (Texas)

Reverse Can Be A Curse
1 John 2:19

They went out from us, but they did not really belong to us. For if they had belonged to us, they would have remained with us; but their going showed that none of them belonged to us. (NIV)


Sometimes we do things we know we shouldn't too. Some of the tears that you cry are your OWN fault. The scripture says If they were really with us, they would not have left us. But since they left us let them leave. This is for the single people out there. Stop chasing people who do not want to be with you or who leave you when you need them. Four principles of a relationship:


1. If they left you they were not supposed to be there anyway. Love yourself so you can love others. Don't be a mop, broom, dustpan, etc. but tell them that "Because I love me, I can't let you treat me like a prisoner." Let. Them. Leave. Too often time we go after the ex or if we are bored we call up an old friend that had deserted us. Stop doing this to yourself. You deserve better than someone's crumbs, if that.


2. If they left you, their part in your life is over. What's behind you is comfortable. But it's behind you for a reason. if you are holding on to your past you will never graduate to your future. God will not stop you from putting the wrong people in your life. Some of the people in our lives you just have to say to yourself . . ."I put them there." God will let you do it until you submit to Him. Some people's role in your life is meant to be short . . . Don't make it long!!


3. The lesson they've taught you've caught, so move on. Relationships will take you to school. Some people that you like don't like you. If they don't like you when you are broke, they won't like you when you are rich. Learn the lessons, then live the lessons you've learned. Doesn't make sense to flunk the test over and over. Use your notes!!!!! Stop dating the same guy/girl but with a different name. If someone lied to you or was crazy, jealous, or a cheater, recognize the signs and don't do it again.


4. If they don't leave, the promise will not come out. Mr. Right can't come if Mr. Wrong is holding up his spot. Your windshield and your rear view mirror show two different things. Don't go in reverse. That can be a curse.


Let Jesus be there for you and have faith that things will work out.

Great Young Professionals Magazine

Bloggers, Check it out:

Higher EleVation Magazine for Young Professionals on the Rise

Great independent magazine with lots of information for the young professional. And yours truly knows the Creator/Editor :)

Taking Closure back

Closure is not something that is given to you, but rather it's something that you take. I think that recently this was brought to my attention as I was talking about how a particular event made me feel. Some things happened over several months/years/what have you, that made me feel discarded and rejected. And as much as I tried to explain this to the party causing me these feelings, the pleas fell upon deaf ears. Or maybe they were listening, but they just didn't care. And there is the key that I missed.

Sometimes we wait and wait and wait to get closure. We think that if we can get the other person to apologize, or to accept our apology , or when we tell the other person we forgive them, that we can gain closure. But all of those actions require active participation on the other side. And sometimes the story does not end up with a happy ending. Sometimes the other party involved does not care to give you the time of day to explain the situation or to hash things out. And in those situations, the only way to get closure is to take it. Because waiting and waiting is foolish when you know you are waiting indefinitely. At times we think we are waiting for a short period of time, but when that time gets to be too long, it is time to close things up yourself.

I wish that the people that I am talking about knew how I felt, but the truth is that they don't. The truth is that I am done waiting for them to give their page of the story so I can put the chapter away. I just have to write around their parts and leave it as is. But also knowing that that particular chapter of my life is done. The hard part is accepting the fact that sometimes God places people in your life for a single purpose - and when that purpose is fulfilled there was no intent of maintaining those relationships. Some people were your best friends in high school or college and that was their purpose. 10 years later you may not talk to them, and that's ok because they were only in Chapter 1 of your book. By the time you get to Chapter 3, there are different characters. Some people maintain a reoccurring role, while some disappear, and even others leave the story completely and somehow make it back in.

The tricky part is figuring out who are the people worth fighting for and who are the characters that are meant to fade into the background. Anyone that causes you pain or tears and is not a positive addition to your life, is probably someone that was there for a temporary time period. Perhaps they taught you something in the way that they acted or the things that they did. Closure is identifying that your time is too valuable to WASTE with people that do not value you. Sometimes the people we need to be reaching out and talking to are the people that would do the same for us if the roles were reversed.

Everyone can be in your audience, but a select few get to be in the front row (paraphrasing Rev. G. Ross)



Photo credit: http://www.fotosearch.com/BLD060/bld013873/

Dating in 2010

Dating in 2010. It's much different than the courtship guys and girls were used to in 2nd half of the 20th century. I feel like guys really tried to woo you back then. Now you are being cat called "Whoop whoop, how you doin' shorty?" as if the art of being a gentleman is a long lost trade.

Remember those days of getting or sending a hand written note that said "I like you, do you like me: Yes? No? Maybe?" Something about that naive gesture was actually romantic. And now those handwritten notes have become impersonal, impatient texts.

There was an understanding back then. Guy met girl and they found ways to be around eachother - studying, classes, or even "bumping" into eachother through town. You pursued one person at a time. And eventually there was the talk - do you want to be boyfriend and girlfriend? and a simple yes or no (ok, sometimes a maybe). Fast forward 50 years and look at 2010 - now there are literally millions of places to meet your potential soulmate. Since the 1960s there has been the great invention of the world wide web. We can meet strangers virtually, share pictures, and even have a conversation; all without leaving the comfort of our home. So yes, the method at which we are able to meet these potential soulmates has drastically changed, I would even say improved.

But what about dating itself; Is it any better? I'd say no, definitely. Things are much more different down to the mentality of people in society as a whole. Before when guy met girl; guy and girl were only talking to eachother. There was a period of pursuit. And sure, if he got shot down (or politely declined) he would wallow for a bit over his heart ache, suck it up, and move on. Or girl would wait and wait for said guy to ask her out. She too would experience heart ache when he asked some other girl to the soph-hop. Now, it's not always the guy pursuing the girl, now it's perfectly "acceptable" for the girl to be on the prowl. And don't get me wrong, I'm all about girl power (fist up, wohoo), but there's nothing more charming then the old fashioned way of guy pursuing girl.

Fast forward again and there are so many questions you have to ask nowadays because people have this "don't ask, don't tell" mentality. You may be talking to Nick and think it's a picture of two; when Nick is talking to Becky, Stacey, and Monica; unbeknownst to you. You have to ask if he has a girlfriend. But be wary, if he's married, he does not have a girlfriend,so his answer might be no. You have to ask "Are you married?" "Are you engaged?" "Are you gay/on the down low?" "Are you involved with anyone else?" And that last one is sometimes a deal breaker if you haven't had the talk about being exclusive.

So when Sonya thought her and Nick were dating and he knew she thought that but only thought of her as just a friend with benefits, you get another type of heart ache; an all too common type these days. And even those implied contractual agreements lack the fine print with the "benefits'" packages differing in contradictory non-mentioned strings attached, single parenthood, and communal disease.  Because everyone just wants to have fun!

So maybe I sound bitter; perhaps I've been a player in the game without realizing I had stepped on the game board. It's like a never-ending game of Jumanji. Well, game over, and now I'm starting over - and this time I'm doing it my way. Call me crazy, and maybe I'm dreaming of a fantasy world, but the dating style of the 60s wasn't too far off the mark. 

Meeting that one person and having the deep conversation, not being distracted by a text message or a buzzing phone. Laughing over coffee at the sunset and now worrying about if there is a Becky, or Stacy, of Monica, or even Rick these days. Maybe that's a step in a time machine, but maybe it's not that far off; perhaps newer isn't always better. Or maybe better is some compromise in between. I don't know. No one really knows. I just know have a comparison between present and past and this idealistic cartoon image of what I imagine it should be like. And by should I mean how I want it to be.

So, this is my journey; Journey called Life. And we'll see what works and what doesn't. That is the exciting and exhilarating thing about this thing called life. Unwritten rules, implied emotions, and crazy unpredictability. But most importantly, doing what you want to do and staying true to who you are, regardless of what society is doing.

Personally, I prefer things the old way. But you know what the say, don't hate the playa, hate the game.

Photobucket">

Photo credits: http://h3sean.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/12/man-pursuing-woman.jpg and http://www.iloverelationships.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/10/bigstockphoto_Dating_Couple_2436008-300x274.jpg; http://www.google.com/imgres?imgurl=http://i521.photobucket.com/albums/w333/okfaissal/slow-dance.gif&imgrefurl=http://s521.photobucket.com/albums/w333/okfaissal/%3Faction%3Dview%26current%3Dslow-dance.gif%26newest%3D1&usg=__ceX9akkl8hlolTZ08oN74lrYcfc=&h=601&w=308&sz=182&hl=en&start=9&sig2=KljbdK7tCh8-u0Uqan__dA&um=1&itbs=1&tbnid=j4Xzp0Ks4dPeXM:&tbnh=135&tbnw=69&prev=/images%3Fq%3Dslow%2Bdance%26um%3D1%26hl%3Den%26client%3Dopera%26sa%3DG%26rls%3Den%26tbs%3Disch:1&ei=NQogTP-oJMuNjAeK9rjyDw