Fool's Gold

Sometimes we accept polished dirt as though it were a diamond. And it may look exactly like a diamond, but it is hollow and empty, with a shine finish. Recognizing this fool's gold is the first step, and then not accepting it is the next.

I had a "friend" from college move to New York City. I haven't seen her in 8-10 years so I was excited to have her nearby. We saw eachother at a mutual friend's birthday party and caught up and exchanged contact information. I texted her when I got home that it was nice to see her and we should catch up again. She texted:

"If you are ever in the area, hit me up, and I'll try to meet up with you"

Great!! Sounded like a plan. I would see her and it would be just like old times. Great that she is up for seeing me as well. A couple of days passed, and I realized she had given me polished dirt. Wait a second. That was about the most conditional statement a person could give. Let's dissect the text she sent that I was so happy about earlier.

"If you are ever in the area, hit me up . . . " - she flipped the script on me. Now the responsibility is on me to text her if I am in NYC, which is 2 hours away. I'm not going to drive up there to see her without definite plans, so if I am in the area I would have already had plans with someone else. Ok, so maybe between my plans with them and leaving, there would be a 1-2 hour gap.

". . . I'll try to meet up with you." So if I text her, there's a 50/50 chance that she is free during the 1-2 hour gap that I have and she will only 'try' to meet up with me. What? Really? There's like no chance I would actually see her.

So I gave her the benefit of the doubt and texted:

"It's probably easier if we have set plans. Let me know when you want to get together."

To which she replied:

"Ugh, so much planning. I'm sure we will figure it out."

This, my friends, is an empty promise. She doesn't mind seeing me if it is totally convenient to her and her schedule but she obviously will make no plans to definitively see me. If I accept this, then I will constantly be texting and trying to meet when I happen to be 2 hours north of where I live. So I reject this!!! I reject people making me a non-priority. If you want to see me, make plans. If you don't want to see me, then don't pretend you do. The same goes true with guys and romantic relationships. How many times do we get fooled by the shininess, and totally overlook that we have been handing a pile of dirt?

So, now you know. It's so funny how many times this happens - work lunches, social events, friendships, relationships - that we are so immune to it. But it is happening all the time. The careful wordsmithing that makes you feel as though they really care. But they don't. They are open to "it" (whatever the it may be) only if other plans aren't better.

The sociology of the millinium . . . . what a trip . . .!

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Taking Closure back

Closure is not something that is given to you, but rather it's something that you take. I think that recently this was brought to my attention as I was talking about how a particular event made me feel. Some things happened over several months/years/what have you, that made me feel discarded and rejected. And as much as I tried to explain this to the party causing me these feelings, the pleas fell upon deaf ears. Or maybe they were listening, but they just didn't care. And there is the key that I missed.

Sometimes we wait and wait and wait to get closure. We think that if we can get the other person to apologize, or to accept our apology , or when we tell the other person we forgive them, that we can gain closure. But all of those actions require active participation on the other side. And sometimes the story does not end up with a happy ending. Sometimes the other party involved does not care to give you the time of day to explain the situation or to hash things out. And in those situations, the only way to get closure is to take it. Because waiting and waiting is foolish when you know you are waiting indefinitely. At times we think we are waiting for a short period of time, but when that time gets to be too long, it is time to close things up yourself.

I wish that the people that I am talking about knew how I felt, but the truth is that they don't. The truth is that I am done waiting for them to give their page of the story so I can put the chapter away. I just have to write around their parts and leave it as is. But also knowing that that particular chapter of my life is done. The hard part is accepting the fact that sometimes God places people in your life for a single purpose - and when that purpose is fulfilled there was no intent of maintaining those relationships. Some people were your best friends in high school or college and that was their purpose. 10 years later you may not talk to them, and that's ok because they were only in Chapter 1 of your book. By the time you get to Chapter 3, there are different characters. Some people maintain a reoccurring role, while some disappear, and even others leave the story completely and somehow make it back in.

The tricky part is figuring out who are the people worth fighting for and who are the characters that are meant to fade into the background. Anyone that causes you pain or tears and is not a positive addition to your life, is probably someone that was there for a temporary time period. Perhaps they taught you something in the way that they acted or the things that they did. Closure is identifying that your time is too valuable to WASTE with people that do not value you. Sometimes the people we need to be reaching out and talking to are the people that would do the same for us if the roles were reversed.

Everyone can be in your audience, but a select few get to be in the front row (paraphrasing Rev. G. Ross)



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