Out with the Old . . .

The long used adage - out with the old, in with the new is great for everyday life. New is so easy to come by. You can buy something or fix something so that it is like new. But the 'out with the old' part, well that, that is a doosey. I'm purging right now - I think it has more to do with mentally wanting to move on - from old ideas, to old methods, to cleansing myself of negative people, things, etc. - than anything else. And it feels good, so good, to finally get rid of things that have been tagging along for literally years. At the final point when you let it go you wonder to yourself - that was easy, why didn't I do that years ago?

The downside of all this cleansing, so to speak, is that it brings up memories. For the most part I think we choose to keep the good memories, and we let the bad memories be forgotten. Well sometimes you miss people that were in your life or that had a different role then as they do now. And it's the same out with the old, in with the new attitude with people, but it's somehow tougher when a non inanimate object is involved.

So I think I'm on this great whirlwind for purging and throwing things out that I no longer need to hold on to. But then BAM I was hit with this longing for something that's no longer within my realm to want. And I know that, but it hurts a little. I just have to remind myself that nothing worth having ever comes easy and I have to have a little more patience and faith that God knows what He's doing.

Definitely working on the patience part.

I bid adieu for now.

Summer

Summer is almost here. I can feel it. You know what? I don't care for problems or drama right now. I seriously don't care. My watch battery died the other day and I haven't had it replaced, so I just stopped wearing my watch. It's so funny how that tiny symbolic gesture has made things so much simpler. I'm not always worried about what "time" it is, so to speak. And I'm not really letting petty things get to me. "Time" as we know it is this abstract idea, and just as language is the words that we make it up to be, time is an compiliation of all the events that we want it to be. And so if you don't want something to be in your "time," eliminate it.

So I am off to a new start. Again. Haha, yes I tend to do this several times a year. And it always feels good. Out with the old, in with the new.

Random book I picked up: The Stinky Cheeseman and Other Fairly Stupid Tales

Musical Playlist

I love words strewn together. Music, to me, is the poetry of life. It is an ongoing essay, where everyone is independently going through the same hardships, the same feelings, and the same . . .life. As different as we all may be I am fascinated that I can share the sentiment of someone I've never met. So, since I can not seem to get of this rollercoaster of life, I might as well listen to some music while riding.

Here is my latest "musical playlist" story.



One day, you're just minding your business and you meet someone that you did not expect to meet. And maybe they sweep you off your feet.


1. “Sway” Michael Buble
Only you have the magic technique
When we sway I go 'Weeeeeeeeeeee'

Do I go the safe route or do I take a chance on what could be awesome or yet another mistake?

2“I hope you dance” Lee Ann Womack
And when you get the chance to sit it out or dance
I hope you dance.

And maybe they tell you everything that you want to hear, and they are the person that you can confide in

3. "1,2,3,4" Plain White Tees
Tell me that I'm special even when I know I'm not
[…]
Tell me things you never even tell your closest friends

So you give love a chance, hoping that you won't get hurt

4.“L-O-V-E” Nat King Cole
Take my heart and please don't break it

At some point you have to just go for it and either leave your feet planted or jump.

5. “Breathe (2am)” Anna Nalick
‘Cause you can’t jump the track
with line cars on the cable
and life’s like an hour glass
glued to the table

And you may be on the ride of your life. And they seem like everything you could ask for; or close enough.

6. “The Truth” India.Arie
I love the way he speaks
I love the way he thinks
I love the way he treats his mama
I love that gap in between his teeth
I love him in every way that a woman can love a man from personal to universal but most of all its unconditional

Unfortunately, things don't always work out. And you try and try but to no avail.

7. “The Pieces Don’t Fit Anymore” James Morrison
It’s time to surrender
It’s been too long pretending
There’s no use in trying
When the pieces don’t fit anymore

Lying, cheating, stealing; the whole nine yards

8. “My Sweet Song” Toby Lightman
Oh you said love was forever
and you told me told me love would never
Break my heart,
and I believed you as I fell

And maybe you tak a little longer to catch on, but eventually you do.

9. “Irreplaceable” Beyonce
So since I’m not your everything
How about I’ll be nothing

You go through your "woe is me" phase. And then they become less important to you as you realize you deserve so much better

10. “Over it” Katherine McPhee
Because I’m so over
‘I’m sorry’

Of course you are angry, but at some point you just don't have the energy; nor should you waste any additional time, on this chump

11. “I Can’t Hate You Anymore” Nick Lachey
We built it up
To watch it fall
Like we meant nothing at all

But regardless of the outcome, you had to make your mistakes on your own. You have to take the calculated risk, so that you can figure out what you need to do. It IS better to have loved, than to never have loved at all, no matter how much it hurts.

12. “Right to be wrong” Joss Stone
I've got a right to be wrong
Got to sing my own song
I might be singing out of key
But it sure feels good to me

And to be perfectly honest, it's almost better to make your mistakes on the jerks and people not worth it, so that you are all fine-tuned when the real deal shows up

13. “My favorite mistake” Sheryl Crow
You’re my favorite mistake

And then you move on.

14. "Knock You Down" Keri Hilson
Sometimes love comes around
and it knocks you down
Just get back up
when it knocks you down

The ride is a beautiful thing. Even though it gets a little bumpy, I wouldn't trade the experience for anything in the world. For now, I'm going to stick in line and ride another ride.

Maybe I'll even get one of those fast lane passes one day . . .

Better to have loved?

That's what they say right? Better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all. Well, the interim can be pretty sucky. Because just when you think you've moved on something reminds you of their smile or warm embrace and you resist every urge to tell them how much you care about them. Because that was yesterday. And today is today. And it's so hard to have to hold in your true feelings.

But today I bite my tongue. So my lips don't utter what my heart is feeling.

Randomnicities

Well it has been a little over a week since I've decided to get offline. Ok, since I actually got offline. I decided a little before then. This has turned into somewhat of a social experiment for me. So far it's been really interesting. The first couple of days were hard because I was really wondering what was going on and wanted to be in the know; but as the days passed I found other ways to spend my time and it's actually pretty liberating. I'm not tied down to a computer for hours or feeling the need to check on things so often. I've met up with people [in person] that I hadn't talked to in a while, cleaned up around the place, and not been as stressed out about finding out things the unnatural way. And I've found that people that really want to get a hold of me will utilize the many other avenues of communication. In some ways I am avoiding certain things but it's nice to have a break; I needed to have a break. I do miss talking to certain people who's main communication was via the internet and I know that I am not responding to messages that I don't even know that I have. So that is a downside, but again I haven't moved, my number hasn't changed, and my email still works, so I'm finding that I'm getting by and enjoying this simplification. Now that my cold is going away I will have even more time to see where this goes. And when the weather gets really nice it's going to be me and my bike and my mp3 player. And maybe a book. And a puzzle. The possibilities are endless. And I love it!

Life Lesson # 39285

You've got to be kidding yourself if you don't believe that a series of events all leading up to the same thing are not in any way or shape related. Well, I have had an interesting, to say the least, week. And I guess I finally figured out what my lesson was. After a month of being frustrated with what I was getting into, what I was learning, and just this mass information overload - like a lightbulb went off in my head - I get it. And it's like duh!! Why didn't I figure this out a month or even two months ago? So . . . drumroll please . . . I think this time the lesson was to . . . get offline. The internet is a great tool, but it's time for me to save on my energy bill and just do other things. There are a couple of books that I've been meaning to read, and my purging phase of old documents needs to be complete. The internet has been frustrating me lately and I haven't managed to ween myself away. Well, I think it's time. So I'm going to try. I obviously have to stay online to blog to wonderful readers like you (hi-five) and to find out about great dance events in the area, but yeah, this transparency of myself and what's going on in my life, is not exactly the transparency I was aiming for. Nor do I need to know what's going on in other people's lives all the time. I'd like to talk more to people in person, rather than chatting, and just get back to the ideals of less being more. Sooooooo after many attempts at my sanity, I have finally figured out my lesson.

:)

Friendship

I think I'm using the word too lightly. Or at least, as of late, it's been biting me in the butt. With myspace and facebook, and any other online stalking application you can think of, anyone that knows you can request to be your "friend." But let's step back a second. They aren't really your friend. The button should really read - "People that I know." I would prefer that much more. I'm trying to remind myself that people that I know - whether it be from off the street, high school, college, grad school, or work, are just that - people that I know, and they all aren't actually my friends. They aren't people that you can call at 2am when your car won't start and you want to get home, or that will call you to see if you are sick because they hadn't heard from you in a week, or that you would call to hang out just for fun. They aren't people that would care to let you know about the car giveaway a mile from your house, or that you would text a most hilarious joke. No, these are virtual "buddies" who are just accumulating numbers to say that you are indeed their friend. Now, there are different levels of friendship in real life, so don't get me wrong. And obviously online applications are great for keeping in touch with those that are far far away, but for the ones that are right here in your backyard, literally minutes from your doorstep, it is a cold, hard, reminder that that little title online, really doesn't hold its weight. And I guess I let it get the best of me and thought that these people actually were my friends and that they did care about me. Nope, wrong again. I'm just another number on their profile. And I'm not going to fight it. It's just that I needed to realize that - because I was getting offended by what my "friends" were doing without me, then I realized they weren't my friends to begin with. And now I'm in the process of weeding out in my head who I think I can call just to talk. They will all remain "friends" because for me the label simply means "People I know" but I will no longer count on them to be there for me or to care about me or my well-being, because that's how I got into this mess in the first place. But if feels good to say it out loud. Makes it real. And don't worry - if you are reading this, then you probably aren't one of the ones I'm talking to :)

Happy New Year - 2009!

It is 2009. Believe it or not, but 2008 is over. 2008 was very interesting. Very. Interesting. To say the least. But now it is about looking forward.To enjoy each moment as it comes. And not to dwell on things that are beyond are control. Here's to realizing that there's more than "your way" and the "wrong way" but others are entitled to make their own mistakes and do things "their way." And here's to letting go of people/objects/ideas that are detrimental to our well-being; to our growth. Here's to having the courage to say no when it's that acorn covered in gold, or that million dollar empty jar. And here's to not having to be put through the test to show that you have faith. 2009 is about having an opinion and not just going with the crowd. For working hard and getting things done. And most of all, to do something which benefits someone else in this little world of ours.

Winter Song

This is a really pretty song. It fits my mood right now. Life is just so . . . well . . . unpredictable. And just like the snow that has fallen, things feel pretty clear right now, if only momentarily. And I'm ok with that, ironically.

"Winter Song" by Sara Bareilles (ft Ingrid Michaelson)


Bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum
Bum bum bum bum bum bum
Bum bum bum bum bum bum

This is my winter song to you.
The storm is coming soon,
It rolls in from the sea

My voice; a beacon in the night.
My words will be your light,
To carry you to me.

Is love alive?
Is love alive?
Is love

They say that things just cannot grow
Beneath the winter snow,
Or so I have been told.

They say were buried far,
Just like a distant star
I simply cannot hold.

Is love alive?
Is love alive?
Is love alive?

This is my winter song.
December never felt so wrong,
Cause you're not where you belong;
Inside my arms.

Bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum
Bum bum bum bum bum bum
Bum bum bum bum bum bum

I still believe in summer days.
The seasons always change
And life will find a way.

I'll be your harvester of light
And send it out tonight
So we can start again.

Is love alive?
Is love alive?
Is love alive?

This is my winter song.
December never felt so wrong,
Cause you're not where you belong;
Inside my arms.

This is my winter song to you.
The storm is coming soon
It rolls in from the sea.

My love a beacon in the night.
My words will be your light
To carry you to me.

Is love alive?
Is love alive?
Is love alive?
Is love alive?
Is love alive?
Is love alive?
Is love alive?
Is love alive?
Is love alive?
Is love alive?
Is love alive?
Is love alive?
Is love alive?
Is love alive?
Is love alive?
Is love alive?
Is love alive?

Life These Days

I can not believe it is already November 2008. It seems like we were just celebrating the new year. Well, life for me, has been nothing short of exciting. It's a constant rollercoaster of events, feelings, situations. I have learned a lot thus far and I wanted to take a minute to share.

1. Don't Settle for settling: This may sound funny, but I think we sometimes become accostomed to not always getting what we want, so we settle for the "next best," although it may not always be what we want. I learned this helpful little lesson while purchasing a bookshelf. Sometimes you need to hold off for what you really want rather than taking what's there. And if it's a really important decision see if you can sleep on it. When you aren't in the heat of the moment, you are more likely to make a rationale decision.

2. Have a game plan: I have heard too many times people telling me that you never know what you are going to do when the actual situation comes up. I agree, but I don't think it hurts to have a plan. I'm not saying that you can, or should, try to plan out every aspect of your life, but you can consider what you would want to do in important situations. It won't always work, mind you, but at least you would have had a plan. For instance - no one wants to get into a car accident, but if you have all of your numbers handy and a list of things to do you don't have to worry later about forgetting to get the other person's driver license number or something along those lines.

3. Be vocal: Sometimes we are all afraid of committment, so when we do commit to something we only tell ourselves. Well, we need to be held accountable. If you are staying away from sweets for a week let someone know. That way if you are about to slip, they can encourage you, or you can feel compelled to stick to your agreement because there are people around you who would witness your breaking your committment. If you tend to drink or smoke and you want to go the night without, telling someone will alleviate your stress because they know you don't want anything and they may refrain from offering. Relying on willpower will get you into trouble at times.

4. Love life: Life is too short. Enjoy the smallest joys that life has to offer, whether it even be the little kid waving to you when no one all day muttered a hello.

5. Patience: be patient. This is probably my biggest downfall. Time does not like to be rushed. It can't, in fact, and we must remember this. Everything happens in its own time and worrying about the future or trying to progress things will not help. I like things NOW. I like answers to my questions NOW, so I'm learning to wait. Sometimes the answer naturally arises or becomes apparent.

That's it for now. I just had to get some things out my head.

La dee da guys

I'm Hungry - Blog Action Day

Quite often I have heard people say “I am Hungry,” and then proceed to find some type of substance to fulfill their request. But what if your words fell onto deaf ears, or ears that could hear but could not do anything to help you? If you’ve ever fasted or gone without food for an extended period of time, than maybe you can relate. But if you haven’t – just imagine if there was no food in the fridge and you didn’t have the money to buy anything and all of your friends were in the same situation. How would you feel then?

How would you feel if you were starving? Dehydrated? Perhaps I’m being a bit dramatic, but if you lived like that then you wouldn’t think this was such a moot point. The purpose in this imaginative thinking is to get you to think. Perhaps you have never dealt with poverty on a personal level. I know that I haven’t. Ans so it becomes this surreal “world problem” that can be flipped off with the late night shows showing kids from various third-world countries. It’s as easy as that to forget about the 850 million people in the US that go hungry each night. And it shouldn’t be. We should not turn away and forget about it because it doesn’t affect us, or isn’t important.

The topic of this years blog action day as you may have guessed is poverty. And so I was challenged. I was challenged to write my thoughts on poverty for the world to read. This is a daunting task, but I take it with the utmost respect. Because it is those without a voice that deserve to be most heard.

First, let’s get the facts straight. Poverty as defined in the United States is determined by the Department of Health & Human services. The thresholds and guidelines are provided with help from the US census. Basically, for a family of 4 an income less than $21, 200 per year would qualify you as being in the poverty level. For a single person it is about $10,000. The World Bank publishes that 1.4 billion people in the world live in poverty, defined as living on less than $1.25/day.

The United Nations Development Programme attributes poverty to at least 3 sources other than lack of income: “ill-health, illiteracy, [and] lack of access to basic social services.”

I’m not here to convince you that poverty exists, because it does. I am reminding you to reconsider it, because it has gone to the back of some of our brains. Perhaps we have gotten caught up in fighting other first that we just don’t have the energy. And that is a shame. It is a shame that in a world so plentiful people must die from hunger.One person in the Micah Challenge video (see link below) said that the only difference between a kid in an impoverished country and one in a wealthy country is their circumstance. If you were born into an unfortunate situation – wouldn’t you want help?

I’m not going to even try to encompass all that is poverty into this blog post. But doing this research has challenged me, and I hope you, to do something. I think we get so overwhelmed with other problems. And since we can’t possibly tackle everything, we lose energy and decided not to focus on any one particular problem.

So, you can close this window and never think of poverty again. However, hopefully I have at least momentarily convinced you to think of what you would like someone else to do if you were in an impoverished country.

There are a couple of things that individuals can do to help:
1) Find out more information and share with people – you can check out the references, use a search engine, learn more and get the facts
2) Write letters to your political representatives. It takes energy to bring about change and maybe there are some issues that your local area could change that would impact those in other places
3) Consider what you are buying. Where did it come from? Do we have free trade with them? Are we ripping those people off - We all want to save money, but at what expense? I was watching a podcast about Ethiopia’s coffee trade and how little money they were making when the middle men were making so much profit. Maybe we should stop to think about the trickle down effect and buy from people that give a fair share to the farmers.
4) Check out the Micah Challenge: http://micahchallenge.org.au/ encouraging people to help others and stop turning their heads to this problem which is affection millions.
5) Donate money to causes to help others get the food they need

Thank you for reading my blog. I hope that I can at least make 1 person reconsider the case for poverty.

God Bless!

References:
US Dept of Health & Human Services Poverty Measure: http://aspe.hhs.gov/poverty/08Poverty.shtml

United Nations Development Programme
http://www.undp.org/poverty/propoor.htm

Updates

So it has been a while since I last wrote. A lot of things have happened - I went to a wedding in April. I travelled to France and Germany in May. I saw John Legend (above) on the 4th of July. I've been doing some volunteer work, and I am finally able to commit to things seeing as I renewed my lease. I'm here to stay. For now, which is more than I could say a little over a year ago. I've had some jaw dropping moments (the text message, the misguided crush, the 'buddy' album) so it has been an interesting 8 months thus far. So I will be updating soon with more details. Some of this stuff will never make it online though for apparent reasons, but I can always write about the lessons I learn from someone else's situation. So, to all my avid readers out there (I realize there's probably only1 or 2) - more is on the way :)

Pride and Prejudice

If the book is anything like the movie then Jane Austen knew her stuff. I watched the 2005 version with Keira Knightly (favorite actress right now), Matthey MacFayden,and others. The screenplay was written by Deborah Moggach and the film was directed by Joe Wright. Ok, so let me give you the 2008 interpretation of this movie - it's great that it even applies. I borrowed it on a whim, thinking I probably wouldn't like it and would find it hard to relate, but it was funny, happy, sad, etc...

Alright, here it is - if you plan on reading the book or seeing the movie, you probably shouldn't read this (it'll spoil it):

So this is a story of the Bennet family - Mr. and Mrs. Bennet and their five daughters - in order of age - Jane, Elizabeth, Mary, Kitty, and Lydia. The live in Georgian England. Basically it was the custom of that era to marry your daughters off in order of age. It was also the custom that some guy checks out your daughter and if they want their hand they will ask you for a certain amount of money - if the father and the girl say yes, so be it, they get married, and she leaves her parents' home to start a home of her own.

So you have Jane, the oldest girl, who is a bit shy. Lizzie, as they call her, is the second oldest and does not hesitate to speak her mind. Mary plays the piano all the time, but isn't very good so gets laughed at, and Kitty and Lydia are very giggly girls. I believe Lydia is 16 years old.

So this wealthy guy, Mr. Bingley, comes strolling into town and the Bennet family wants him to meet their daughter, Jane, at the ball. He brings his friend Mr. Darcy along who does not dance. In modern terms, Mr. Darcy is Mr. Bingley's wingman. So Mr. Darcy and Lizzie strike up a conversation while Jane is busy dancing with Mr. Bingley. Or rather she begins talking to him. He's rather short with her and when asks if he dances replies "Not if I can help it." Basically he's pretty rude so Lizzie shrugs him off. Lizzie goes off to dance and talks to one of your friends underneath an alcove. Someone asks Mr. Darcy what he things of her and he basically said "very intolerable." Ouch. Yes, that kinda hurt Lizzie's feelings who was standing about 30 feet away in the shadows. So that pretty much set her dislike for him.

There's more details but you really should see it for yourself . . .

Ok, so here we have Jane happily enjoying the company of Mr. Bingley, which is great because she's the eldest and its about that time. Things are going well and they look like they are on the way to getting married. Jane goes to visit his house and gets very sick. She stays there for a while and boom! next thing you know the guys got cold feet and has to "run." Jane is upset and everyone is confused.

In the meantime when Jane was "spoken for" this guy Mr. Collins came around the house asking about the Bennet girls. He was pretty put off when he found that Lizzie was the next in line but he did what they did back then and started getting to know her. Then he asked her to marry him. She of course said no, which I feel was a very good answer (he was weird), and her mother was very angry with her - who's going to take care of things when her father is gone, blah, blah, blah. Her father gave her permission not to marry this guy, who everyone thinks is a jerk.

So make the plot thicken, everywhere Lizzie goes she keeps running into Mr. Darcy, who she disdains. Soon they get to talking and she learns that he broke up Mr. Bingley and Jane because he didn't want his friend to get hurt. She says that is silly, Jane loved Mr. Bingley. Mr Darcy said well, she didn't show it. Lizzie tells him she does, she is just shy. Yada yada yada fade scene Mr. Darcy tells Lizze he loves her and asks her to marry him - because that made chronological sense. She calls him all sorts of names (for the 18th century, although I think they added some 21st century terms) and pretty much told him to go away. It was one of those moments:

girl: I'm so mad at you i don't want to hear another word
guy: But I've got more to say. It will make you understand
girl: I hate you. I never want to see you again
guy: <stands in rain, getting wetter>
girl: <stomps away, probably crying or something hysterical for theatrical affect>

I think in those key moments we could have learned more, but c'mon that would have made a shorter movie.

That weird guy, Mr. Collins, asks Lizzie's friend to marry him (boy is he on a roll), and at least she says yes. There's a little argument between Lizzie and the girl. She basically says - look, I'm getting older and I want to be married, and he asked me, so don't judge me, just be happy for me. So in being happy for her Lizzie went to go visit with them. While there some big shot, Lady Catherine, asks to see them and they all go over to her castle-like house. Of course, Mr. Darcy is there. People pretty much do what Lady Catherine asks for and she requested Lizzie to play the piano, although she told her she wasn't very good. Well she plays a song and at dinner Lady Catherin starts getting really nosey - do you have any other talents? No. Do your sisters draw? No. Hmmm, basically she was proving that the Bennet's were a lower class. Real polite at dinner. Well Lizzie had her words - it was pretty funny (see I'm not giving it all away).

So back home they learn that Lydia has run away. Shes the youngest and some guy had his eye on her. Eventually they find her and she is married. The mother is happy (does a little dance) and the Bennet's celebrate. It is interesting that her uncle had to only pay 100 units (I don't think it was pounds) for their marriage. Ehh, they shrug it off.

Lizzie receives a letter from Mr. Darcy explaining all the things he couldn't say in the rain when she ran off hysterically. Basically, he apologized for breaking up Jane and Mr. Bingley - he thought that she didn't like him as much as he liked her and he was looking out for his main man. He had helped Lydia get married by paying some of the money. Basically, he was turning to be a prety good guy and she had him all wrong. Pause. Wow. So now she kinda liked this dude whom she had loathed.

Knock, knock, knock, Lady Catherine appears at the Bennet household in the middle of the night requesting to speak with Lizzie. They go in a room and Lady Catherine boldy asks if she is engaged to Mr. Darcy. The conversation goes like this:

LC = Lady Catherine

LC : Little girl, I know you are not engaged to Mr. Darcy, is that correct?
Lizzie: Why are you asking?
LC: Don't play coy with me - you know very well that he is meant to be engaged to my daughter
Lizzie: Well if you knew that whey did you travel all the way here to ask me suck a silly question?
LC: Answer the question. Are you engaged to Mr. Darcy?
Lizzie: I am not
LC: Well promise me you will never be engaged to him
Lizzie: You have some nerve comin' up in my house and insulting me like this. I owe you no promises and I really have to ask you to leave. <opens door> Get the steppin'
LC: <Mumbling> I have never been treated so rudely . . . .

I love that scene haha.

To make a long story short Mr. Bingley comes back and apologizes to Jane - I personally think the scene could have been a bit longer because I would have wanted a better apology for kicking me to the curb, but that's just me. He asks her to marry him, she says yes, they do a little dance, and all is well.

Eventually Jane sees Mr. Darcy again and there is this romantic moment. He says to her "If your feelings have not changed since last April then you tell me and with one word I am out of your life. But if they have changed and you feel the way I do then let me know and we can be together." And as for all the stuff that happened - Bingley coming back and Lydia having enough money to get married - he said "I did it all for you" big awww moment. Happy ending, so you can imagine what happens. She says yes, then they go to her father and ask him. Meanwhile all of her siblings (and her mother) are confused, saying "I thought she didn't like him." The father agrees and gives him their consent.

Fade to a view of the hills . . . .English songs in the background . . .All is well. Funny how are pride can produce so many ill-founded prejudices, ay?

Praise God!

February had been a very trying month, but I have to tell you - today was a testimony in itself of how things eventually get better. Hmm . . .where shall we start?

WARNiNG: the "bad" part may be a bit graphic for some so you can skip to the good part, but it's important to see how I got there - so be brave . . .

Alright, sometime in early February I caught a little cold - this has to be around the 4th. It got worse and I began taking medicine hoping it would get better. The following week - of the 11th - I was feeling better, and it felt like the cold or flu or whatever bug I had was going away. I even played dodgeball that day. I had the day off from dodgeball for President's day on the 18th so I went home and cooked and watched a movie and just relaxed. Sometime between 1 and 2 am something didn't agree with me and food just wouldn't stay down (I am sparing you the visual here). It was horrible. Here it was 3 in the morning and I'm tired and I can't sleep because of this. I didn't know what it was or if I needed to call the hospital. Long story short - I called the doctor and left a message to make an appointment in the morning. I called my boss telling him the situation and how I didn't think I would make it in the next (same really) day. Eventually I got to sleep, but I didn't sleep very well. I was missing a meeting at work but I was in no shape to turn on my laptop and I didn't have their phone numbers, so I was worried about that. And the fact that I didn't know what was wrong with me. And then the little tidbit about being hungry since I lost all of what I had ate the day before. I called the doctor's office to make an appointment - apparently they don't call you back - and it wasn't until 2:45pm. So I asked if I could eat and they told me clear liquids only. By this time my family was worried because I told them what happened and I was worried and hungry. And then I had to drive myself 12 miles to the doctor because no one near my house was accepting new patients when I had my cold. ANYWAY, the doctor told me I had a stomach virus or something and I was restricted to eating Bananas, Rice/Cereal, Applesauce, Toast, and Tea. The ride home was interesting because I had to stop and get my prescription and wait 30 minutes for it, plus go up and down the isles purchasing this stuff that I could eat - all the while I was weak from not eating and looking a hot mess. To conclude this bad part of the story, the virus went away and I was feeling ok 2 days later - at least ok enough to go to work. I was still scared to eat the foods I wanted, which is a horrible feeling. Have you ever been scared to eat? Like an orange? Because you don't know if it will agree with you or not? To have an array of delicious food in front of you that you can not eat. HORRIBLE!! So the virus went away and the cold came back, strong force, I guess because I had stopped taking the medicine. Anyway, I think the cold is finally going away and I can thank God that I can now eat normal foods.

So then, the good part, you inquire. Well they are having this retirement party for a guy at work AND the gospel choir is having it's anniversary concert on the same day. The events start an hour and a half away from eachother, and are probably 60 miles or so apart from eachother. The guy who is having the retirement party is such a nice guy - he's got to be in his early 60s. I had only known him for a couple of months but he would always give me advice and help me out with things at work. Anyone working at a plant - the operators are the key to knowledge! So I had planned to go to this before I knew the date. I had also planned to go to this anniversary concert for the choir because I was in the gospel choir in college and they were inviting the alumni to sing. I was in a great predicament. It got even more complicated because I wasn't sure if I should go to the rehearsals; if I was singing, it made sense, but if I wasn't going to sing then it would have been a waste of time and highly inconvenient. Anyway - I decided to go to the rehearsals that I could make and I talked with the choir director and I can do both!! I can attend a bit of the party and sing in the concert. You probably don't understand how happy that makes me, but it's a big deal.

To top it off I had this really interesting conversation with a new choir member who I hardly know. AND on the way home I decided to swing by the video store to purchase Tyler Perry's Why Did I Get Married? so that we could watch it. I had been waiting a couple of months for this to come out on DVD - great movie. Anyway, the guy at the video store told me they didn't have any for sale but that I could rent it. Saddened, I went to the New Release section and picked up a copy to rent. I went back to the guy to pay and he was talking to his coworker who was in front of me doing something. When he took it out of the secuity case I just happened to glance to my right where there were sitting two copies of the movie for sale that the other coworker must have just put up. Whopee!!

That's all I got for now. But 2008 is sure looking a lot better than it was a couple of weeks ago. :)

People Suck

I was pretty mad today. It was one thing after another and it kinda snowballed. Then it became all the issues I was mad at, then all the things wrong with society today. Etc, etc. I love the quote - "One person can't change the world, but you can make a dent" from the movie Death to Smoochy. So what will today's topic be? Ahh yes, I guess good ole consideration. I am very dissappointed in how inconsiderate people can be. I am talking about the little things. Like how hard is it to push the door behind you with minimal force when you see someone walking a few steps behind? My biggest pet peeve right now is people's lack of response to emails and phone calls. If I call or email you, the LEAST you could do is call or email me back. If I invite you somewhere and you don't want to go, how hard is it to type two small letters - "no." I'm not even asking for a "no, thank you" just a "no." With today's technological age it is so much easier to be responsible in that manner - you don't have to go and buy a thank you card and a stamp, you can just email someone thanks. Or simply being invited somewhere. I feel like I am always trying to include people in events that I find fun, that when the ball is in their court, they don't even fathom with the smallest consideration, that perhaps, just perhaps, I would like to go. And if you think that I would say no can you give me the courtesy of making my own decisions, seeing that I am above the age of 10? This irks me the most, because it is not in my nature to leave people out - I would like to think that most things are inclusive and everyone should feel welcome, but you're killing me - you want to be invited to things but don't have the same feelings when the ball is on the flip side.

And all of these things that I am mentioning I have been seeing more and more every day. Today I am surprised when someone actually holds the door for me or for an elderly person. It's not that I can't do it for myself, it's that it is nice to see people thinking of things other than themselves. I'm not even talking about men opening the door for women, I'm talking about people as a whole. We've become so selfish and this selfishness is accepted - look out for you and you alone. We don't live in a bubble. You left your bubble as soon as you were born so now you have to realize that there are other people surrounding you and what you do affects other people. You can not blast your music in your headphones because then I can hear it and that defeats the purpose of you listening to your peace and tranquility. Maybe you shouldn't have loud conversations on the bus because I don't really care what you did for dinner last night, and I shouldn't have to care because you are not talking to me. I get annoyed with people in the car who talk on their phones like talking to me has been ruled out. Why are we getting so impersonal? Why can't we respond to eachother? Why do we have to make so many assumptions nowadays - that if I don't reply it means I don't want to go. I'm sorry, I'm used to people not always checking their mail so I've been assuming that if you don't reply you didn't get it. My bad.

I'm just sick of it. I'm tired of people's lacksadasial attitude. People don't suck, it's just that the few that do get to you and make your angry. It's about realizing that while you may be in a hurry maybe the person in front of you has had a bad day too. Maybe they walked a mile with 10 pounds on their back just to buy a bottle of water and it's $1.07 and the only have $1.06. Perhaps the world doesn't revolve around only you. Perhaps the caption was only to catch your attention so that you would read all the way to the end.

PASI - Mexico City

Pan-American Advanced Studies Institute (PASI) Sustainability and Green Chemistry summer school May 29 - Jun 10, 2007





Alright. What you all have been waiting for - my detailed play by play on my trip to Mexico. It was awesome! I had the greatest time. I'm mainly writing this for my own personal benefit, but it's great to share with anyone browsing through.

Day One (Tuesday May 29th)


After hours upon hours of flying to get to Mexico, myself and my two companions, arrive at the airport in Distrito Federal (D.F.), here known as Mexico City. We were really excited. And on my first attempt to speak spanish with a native Mexican, I of course, froze and forgot all the spanish I knew, when it came time to change the money into pesos. Eventually we get to the hotel located in Santa Fe where we are given keys to our rooms. Nice rooms with two double beds and a tv and mini-fridge. Now that's what I'm talking about. The first official event is dinner and here I meet some of my fellow participants at a round table over a buffet dinner.





Day Two (Wednesday May 30th)

My first full day in Mexico. What to expect? Well first things first - breakfast at the hotel. They had arapas (similar to pancakes), eggs, fruit, toast, coffee, most things available for our picking pleasure. I ate with my roommate and we met up with the group to walk to the university. At the university we met others in the conference and were introduced to the hosts and runners of the program. We learned about the 12 principes of green chemistry and endocrin disruptors - there are actually chemicals, namely PCBs is what he talked about (polychlorinated biphenyls), no I'm not going to get all sciencey - keep reading. Anyhow, there are chemicals which can affect your offspring and their offspring and so on, just by exposure to it. It's really interesting. And when people do toxicity studies they often forget to check for this - they usually only check that the chemical is below the lethal level and don't take into account this factor of endocrin disruptors, which the speaker was adamant that they do. One more reason to use greener chemicals - for the safety of yourself and also to reduce the exposure to hazardous chemicals for potential reproductive toxins. Look at DDT, which was banned in the US in 1971. Very harmful chemical.

There were more interesting lectures and then we played basketball/soccer/volleyball outside. Let me tell you -- so Mexico City is 7400 ft [2240 m] above sea level (as compared to Philadelphia, 39 ft [12 m] and New York, 33 ft [10 m]) and the air pressure is much lower than what I'm used to in the states. So playing basketball in the highly polluted, less air circulating, area was hmm . . a challenge to say the least. I was struggling after a quick game of 3-on-3. I switched to volleyball which ended up being less difficult and was a lot of fun.

So then we were off for our first dinner out in Santa Fe. We decided to check out a saloon called Papa Bill's. There were about 18 of us and this is my first dinner in a Mexican restaurant in Mexico. The food was alright. It was great to just relax with the newfound friends and sit back and eat. I drank Fresca, similar to sprite. Good times. This was the real tourist experience with me trying to speak with my limited espanol. Fortunately, I had some nice people nearby who helped with ordering.

Book to check out: Silent Spring, Rachel Carson, 1962

Day Three (Thursday May 31)

Our first lab day. We ran experiments made by Ken Doxsee and others from the University of Oregon. Afterwards I checked out the mall with some of the others. I bought a Cumbia cd that the guy at the store told me was a popular buy amongst Mexicans. I went around the store asking the sales clerks (Te gusta? (Do you like) and pointing to the cd). Back at the hotel there was a pool party. The water was way too cold, and the air for that matter. I think maybe about 4 people jumped in . . .and out. I will always remember trying to play music off someone's laptop and it just not being loud enough.

Links to visit:
http://e.hormone.tulane.edu/
http://www.ourstolenfuture.com/

Day Four (Friday June 1)

More lectures. The memorable part of the school day was probably being assigned our case studies. So we were broken up into 3 groups (A,B,C) and given a problem statement. There was more information in our packet. Basically, a company that makes diapers has the product manufactured by a third-party. They use all natural products but the company discontinues the natural product and makes products using other synthetic products. Customers find out about this and are pretty upset with the company. The company has three choices - they can A) Stop selling the new stuff and wait until a new formulation comes in, which leaves the supermarket shelves empty for some time B) Sell the rest of the new stuff and wait for the formulation, which leaves the shelves empty for slightly less time C) Sell what they have and order more until the new formulaton comes. I was in group A so we had to defend that point. This was actually a real problem and we were to come up with a sales pitch to give to the "CEO's" on Monday. We didn't have much time but we pooled our ideas together and began to work.

Jorge Vanegas from Texas A&M University spoke to us about sustainability and the built environment. He's a very good speaker. Mainly he talked about how we have to build a sustainable environment. We can continue to go the way we are going but it will not be helpful if we are using all of our resources and there is nothing left to build with 20 years from now. We as a society (America, Western Philosophy, The Earth) are used to certain things that are not all that sustainable. We want to get from point A to point B. Does that mean that we all have to drive SUVs with 1 passenger 30 miles from where we live? No! We have to think in terms of means that will last. We are living a "lifestyle of excessive consumption" (Vanegas). It's about using safer materials, renewable and efficient energy, products/systems designed for value recovery, thinking across all design principles. It's about increasing technology without increasing the demand on the environment and our natural resources. It's about using our natural resources in such a way that they can be used again.

We followed with the first poster session of students presenting their work. We ended up at Papa Bill's again for dinner. This time we were upstairs. We ate and then started dancing in the tiniest of spaces. By the end of the night we were doing a congo line around the top floor. I lie to you not!! It was awesome. And everyone is really friendly so we even had some strangers join us.

Book to check out: Crade to Cradle

Day Five (Saturday June 2)

Wow. Up early on a Saturday. Yup. That's what was probably going through everyone's head. Today was similar to yesterday - heard more about sustainability and the built environment. All day long. Then we had the second poster session. We went out for dinner again, but things were different. The restaurant we were headed to was closed because it was late on a Saturday. Boo! So we ended up at Papa Bill's. Again. It was fun. I hadn't been feeling all that great all day Saturday but I was determined to feel better in time for Sunday when we went to the pyramids. And you know me. I ended up dancing. Just a smidge. :)

Day Six (Sunday June 3)

Sightseeing - Our Lady of Guadalupe and the Pyramids. We visited the beautiful cathedrals first (at Guadalupe). It was just amazing to see such a large turnout for mass. They had about 3 Churches in the central location and a vast garden and masses running probably by the hour. I could never do it justice to describe the history so please check it out on google or wikipedia or such. Outside in Guadalupe are tons and tons of merchants trying to sell their stuff. I did buy a purse for 10 pesos - a very nice looking purse I might add. It was neat being down there - kinda like haggling on the streets of NYC. They provided us with lunch where I tasted cactus - it was ok. Nothing to brag about but it was ok.

The next stop were the pyramids of Teotihuacan. Now these were beautiful. The people of Teotihuacan lived before the time of the Inca's and the Mayans. The Sun Pyramid is about 246 ft high, making one of the top three pyramids in the world! The Moon Pyramid is slightly smaller, but still amazing to look at. I climbed to the top of the Sun Pyramid - it probably took me less than an hour with the breaks. It was tough climbing - probably because I'm afraid of heights and the steps were pretty narrow or steep, but it's one of those things you have to do while you are there. Some of the flights did not have a railing so I was focusing on the step ahead of me so that I didn't get disoriented and plummit to an unhappy and rocky falling.

So it was an awesome day seeing the sights in mexico. We went back on the bus where I grabbed a quick nap and then back to the hotel.

Day Seven (Monday June 4)

Presentation of the case studies. Group C won. I really liked Group B who had a spanish interpretor - really good idea for the varied language audience.

Day Eight (Tuesday June 5)

Karaoke

Day Nine (Wednesday June 6)

Freida Kahlo Museum

Sightseeing downtown

Folkloric Ballet

Day Ten (Thursday June 7)

And Inconvienent Truth

Day Eleven (Friday June 8)

Party in Coayaocan at La Bipolar.



Day Twelve (Saturday June 9)


Farewell dinner. Very sad. It was hard to say goodbye to friends that we had made in only two weeks. It is amazing how close you can get to other people. I will never forget this experience.



Day Thirteen (Sunday June 10)

Adios Mexico.

I had a great time at this conference. What I have written here is only a fraction of the things that happened. I can not even dream of capturing everything. Besides the fun and making new friends I really did get to open my eyes in another area of science; an area that we need to be more focused on. Contrary to Western societies fews, and even Darwinism, it should not be survival of the fittest. We do not live in a bubble. We have to think of others when we are doing things - from the car we drive to the chemicals we use. If we pollute the water because we are not drinking it, it will eventually hurt someone else and that will affect us. Droughts in other countries affect us. Loss of ozone affects us. It's not all about money and immediate change. We have to leave something for the future generations. We can not CHOOSE to be that selfish. It's about sustainability. Now and later.

Encrouagement

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”

~Marianne Williamson

Pineapple

I love metaphors. And fruit. This was a great way to combine the two.

So I'm cutting a pineapple and realized how well it illustrates life. Have you ever cut a pineapple? I mean with your bare hands? You look at it and sure, it has those palm-like leaves, but it's really not all that pretty. And after you figure out where to start, the job just gets harder; more than what you bargained for. But you keep chipping away because you know the ends justifies the means. And if you were to judge the pineapple by it's appearance - you probably wouldn't think it's worth your time. It doesn't look delicious. It looks worn, like it needs work, like it's not perfect just the way it is. And if you were any ordinary person, you wouldn't notice the pebble covered with dirt. It takes a trained eye to realize that these "pebbles" are sometimes diamonds in disguise. So I peeled it and I still had to get those eyelets out. And I'm ready to call it quits - all this work, for what? For some delictable yumminess? Or so they say. Does my memory serve me for it tasting all that great? As the rough skin is scratching my hands as I cut it and I'm getting frustrated I'm almost forgetting the reason why I bought the pineapple in the first place - because I know it's supposed to taste good. And it smells good, so there is this purpose to continuing. It's just that, well, sometimes we get to this wall and we forget all of our momentum for running and we just slow down and get frustrated that we can't jump or climb over the wall. See the thing with the pineapple, or with life, is that we don't always know our ultimate purpose or sometimes we forget what we were supposed to be doing while we got caught doing the grunt work. But let me tell you. When I FINALLY bit into that delicious sweetness . . . it was all worth it. And I forgot how much I hadn't want to do it.Who would have thought? Now I just have to find the metaphor for the mango . . . :)

Sunday Sermon - What Do You See?

So I was watching March 4th's sermon from Mount Ararat Church in Pittsburgh, PA. The sermon was given by Rev. Dr. William H. Curtis and I'll do my best to summarize what he said.

He started out reading Mark 8:22-26 (NIV):

They came to Bethsaida, and some people brought a blind man and begged Jesus to touch him. He took the blind man by the hand and led him outside the village. When he had spit on the man's eyes and put his hands on him, Jesus asked, "Do you see anything?" He looked up and said, "I see people; they look like trees walking around." Once more Jesus put his hands on the man's eyes. Then his eyes were opened, his sight was restored, and he saw everything clearly. Jesus sent him him, saying, "Don't go into the village."

The lesson we are learning today is that sometimes God does things through you or in your presence to show YOU something and not the other person. If you look at the pre-text before the quoted verses you will see that Jesus had already fed 5000 with 5 loaves of bread and 2 fish, then fed 4000 with 7 loaves of bread, and performed other miracles in front of the disciples. Then they crossed some water in a boat and the disciples forgot to bring the bread. In fact, they forgot a lot of what they had seen, as though Jesus did not perform any miracles. Jesus is a little frustrated/disappointed by this behavior. He asks them in verse 21 "Do you still not understand?"

So Jesus is ministering and healing the blind man but he is sending a message to the disciples. Let's look closely at what the blind man said. When Jesus touched him the first time he said he saw people walking as trees. Now he's being honest. We all know that people look very different than trees. The point of the matter is that he was still blurry, not completely clear in vision. In between blindness and clearness is blurriness. Jesus touched him again and asked him what he saw. The text says he saw perfectly clear. Had we been in the situation what would we have done? Would we have tried to insert logic because we know that people can't look like trees and not want to sound foolish? Would we have just said that we see people? Period, no further explanation? God wants us to be honest with him, because sometimes we settle for blurriness. Instead of confessing the truth, we take the ok as good enough. Stick throgh the blurriness until you get the clarity. And He knows that we are blurry because we keep bumping into stuff. He was sending a message to the disciples that he's going to keep touching them until they see clearly. Think about it: no matter what you do, He's not going to discard you because you can't see clearly. He didn't think of the blind man as ungrateful for being honest. He asked him a question and because he was honest to answer it the blind man could get the help that he needed.

It's like when you go to the eye doctor and he tests your right eye. And you know the chart says EZBTM. So when you get to your left eye whether or not you can actually see the same letters, you just might recite what you remember so that you won't look like you have bad vision. And sometimes we get help - the doctor may know that you don't want to appear foolish and so he changes the chart FOR you so to help you with your honesty. Jesus will put us through similar tests and tribulations to help us be honest with him. It may be the reason that you just got out of a relationship and don't have a new relationship. If your vision is still blurry, why would He want to give you something new to mess up? Or if you just quit your job, why would He give you a new job when you still want to go postal on the old job? Sometimes you need to clear up your blurriness right where you are before you move on. Because if you travel with your blurriness, not only will you bump into things but you will preach your blurry messages to others. And when you are all blurry no one knows which direction to go. So let Him flip that chart for you.

Growth is not about seeing something new. Sometimes growth is seeing new something you already saw. When you look at something with blurry eyes and then with clear eyes it just may look different. God may not move the devil out of your way because when youa re blurry you may be intimidated by the devil. Maybe he wants your vision to clear up to the point where you can tell the devil to move out of your way yourself. With blurry vision - "you ain't what you used to be even if you ain't what you ought to be" (Curtis). You have to stick it out with your blurry vision - knowing that if you stick with God, eventually things will become clear. Everything in Christ doesn't become perfect for you immediately. There is this misconception that Christians don't have any problems or live a perfectly happy life. You will at times be blurry, but so is everyone else. And once you are clear don't go around judging the blurry ones as if you've never been like that. Rather, help and pray for them that they can get clarity too.

So after this Jesus asked the disciples: who do others think that I am. They answer John the Baptist, Elijah, another disciple. Jesus then asks: and who do you think that I am? And Peter answers "the Christ." Finally, the disciples see with cleared vision.

So the take home message is this: Be honest with God. Be honest with yourself. If you think of things as they SHOULD be and not as they actually ARE then you are not going to get the help you need. But if you pray with an honest heart to fix the things that you need, to repair your blurry vision, then you are one step closer to seeing clearly.


Mount Ararat's website:
http://www.mt-ararat.org/mount_home.html

Happiness

My happiness will not be determined by the amount of zeros in my paycheck, nor the car that I drive, the clothes that I wear, or the number people that think I'm important. My happiness will be determined by how good a person I am - valued in the service I give to others, the breadth of my knowledge - from useless trivia to complicated equations, and doing the things that make me happy - from taking pictures of squirrels to talking to good friends. And I am sooo ready to enjoy life - enjoy the perks of doing the things that make you happy. This was all validated today. I made a decision not too long ago that drastically changed some things in my life. I wasn't exactly ready to make the decision but I came to the fork in the road and I had to choose - to go left or to go right, to take the path less travelled or to follow the beaten footsteps. So I chose and I haven't been exactly sure that I chose the right path, but today I was validated. Because at some point in the path you no longer long to look back and wonder what if. Instead you are jogging, running almost to see what lies ahead on the new path; the unfurnished windy path. And it's scary and exciting all at the same time.

Wohoo to validation ~ estoy muy alegria.

Lent

Lent is a time of reflection. Good ol' wikipedia has a pretty good description for those of you who aren't too sure what Lent represents (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lent). I always almost feel like starting anew by the time Easter comes. The reason is because during this time of reflection I've taken up the habit of figuring out something(s) in my life that I could do without. I started doing this in college when I met some people who gave something up for Lent. I had never done it growing up, but the concept seemed good-intentioned: name at least one thing that you don't think is a good habit or the bestest thing that you do and give it up for 40 days (we say 40 days but we mean between Ash Wednesday and Easter). The purpose of this is to prove to yourself that you really don't need this thing that you crave/depend on/etc. And after the 40 days you may just give it up completely. I've been doing this for about 4 years or so and I always see some areas that I could live without certain material objects. So I'm giving up some things this year in the same attempts. I'm not actually going to say what I'm giving up to anyone but I'm still holding myself accountable. So I challenge you to give something up - a bad habit (smoking/drinking/nail biting), a bad attitude (grouchiness/laziness/deceit/negativity), an addiction (chocolate/coffee/soda/chit chat), a technology (texting/aim/beta chat/social email), a mindset (prejudices/sexism/disdain towards religon), or whatever you can think of. And if by the forty days you like the change you see . . . continue.

Happy New Year!

It's a new year, and I am really ready to put the saying "Out with the old, in with the new" to work. I'm done worrying about things I can't control - it just leads to frustration. I figured out my problem with the world - I want everyone to do things like I do - have my moral set and values, have an opinion and stop trying to be so politically correct, and try to do good in the world. I mean, then things would just flow! Haha, the truth of the matter is that I really won't get my way on that one so that's one battle I have to forfeit. But seriously, sometimes you get mad at being mad. It's like that roommate you have that would constantly not use a coaster on your ownly prized possession in the dorms - that glass topped coffee table. And it's something so trivial to fight over, but it's your coffee table and you have a right to say something. But after weeks and weeks and you refusing to have to remove the coffee table, you get so annoyed at being mad at the person for not taking your feelings into consideration that you either 1) ruin the friendship over it, or 2) get fed up with getting mad and put a stupid dolly on the glass so that you don't have to get mad at your thoughtless roommate. (Former roommates out there - this has NOTHING to do with you; lol). Well the same is true in my state of mind. I get so tired of being mad at people for not doing things the way that I want - seriously, how many times can you have the same conversation? So I'm not giving up, I'm just choosing to better choose my battles. Obviously if someone is consistenly inconsiderate, you might want to rethink the friendship, but for now que sera, sera --> whatever will be will be. And hopefully this mindset will lead to less frustrating moments. Because we get frustrated when we wish someone would act in a certain way, but if I realize I can't hint at things then I'll just lower my expectations of what I would like for you to do and if I don't expect anything of you then you can't dissappoint me, and wa-la - I'm not frustrated. So, yeah, this works in theory, we'll see how the rest of the month goes and whether I want to fine tune my hypothesis. To you new to this blog, or just returning - I'M BACK and I have a lot on my mind, and the gutso to say it, so let me know what you think in the comments section. Otherwise you are just cyber eavesdropping!

lol

If you only knew
what I've been going through
Maybe you wouldn't talk so much smack
But we only feel what we only know, and man, isn't that wack?
Tired of the game;
Tired of having to play
Dysfunctional Utopia . . .ya heard?

Who Finishes Last?

A friend of mine repeated the common saying - Good guys finish last. What do you think? Do you think the person that is always doing the "good" thing gets the shaft? I have to think that's not true. I have to think that I should always do the right thing and things will work out. It's hard though, when the wrong thing is like a billboard you have to drive by everyday. Then there are instigators like temptation and bait to try to convince us to do the wrong thing. Nope, I'm going to do the right thing, and if I don't get what I want, then maybe I just wasn't meant to have it. Touche.

Running

I've been running on this cross-country journey, not really knowing where I was going. Running, because it's good for me to exercise and I figured that my legs would take me somewhere. Maybe I would follow the flow of the river or maybe I would see a fork in the road and because I was running I wouldn't have time to think - I'd just pick which way to go. Maybe I've been waiting for the wind to blow a certain way as a hint to where I should go. But now I know where I want to go, and even though I'm not in charge of the path I take to get me there I have a sense of direction. And now I want to run even faster to see this other side of the rainbow - to experience all that I've been wishing for, but the faster I run, the farther away I get from all that is common to me. And I'm scared to be far because I like where I've been - I like the people that were there and the nest I started to build, and moving further away means starting all over. You would think that nomads don't get attached to things when they know they will pick up and leave, but you have to take root somewhere, even if it is for one day. So will my run turn into a jog? Time can not be hurried and it's important to spend the time now with the ones we soon will leave. But I also have to stretch and take time to prepare me for the new adventures ahead. Sigh, the paradox of running. Seems like even when you run towards something you are running away from something else.

There IS a reason

I truly believe that everything in life happens for a reason. We may not always know what that reason is, but there is a purpose in the happenings of ordinary people. This has got to be the most challenging year by far, and just when I think the challenges are over BOOM, yet another one. And I'm confused on my role in this is - what am I supposed to do? what does it mean? Yet, I have to believe that in the end things will work out. I am sometimes at a loss for words as to what to say or what to think but words come to my mouth and thoughts to my head. I am so thankful at this present moment - which is ironic, because so many things seem to be going wrong. But I am thankful for meeting people that make me see the reasons or pieces of what the bigger picture looks like. People don't just come into your life by accident and we are all a dominoe effect of events waiting to happen. It's like when you are going through something and you meet someone who you just click with and they seem very understanding. Five months later you find out they went through the same thing which is why they could relate so well to you and BAM there is your reason for meeting them. I have no control over the things that other people do or say or feel, but I do feel comfort in the fact that situations and people are strategically being placed in my life to help me with these obstacles. From something as simple as a great conversation giving you the motivation to do great work the next day, to networking for the career of your life in the bank elevator, things always seem to "coincidentally" happen.

I hope this makes sense to you, because it's bright as day to me. With all the stuff going on around me - tornadoes, hurricanes, tsunamis of drama- I am happy. And it may only last for a moment before another situation comes along, but why do we keep worrying about tomorrow? Tomorrow will come, so let it. You never chase a boomerang, do you? No (I hope you don't) because you know that it will come back to you. Stop chasing the future. Live in the here and now. Just BE.

Bottom of the Barrel

Have you ever thought that things were bad? Horrible? And you couldn't see the light at the end of the tunnel? The funny thing is that at some point things are so bad that they couldn't possibly get any worse. And you know that the only way out is up. But when are you at the bottom of the barrel? When you are heading up you know, but how do you know if you are going down or at the bottom? That is the hard part. Waiting. Knowing, but waiting to see if things get better or worse, because when the worse is over there's nothing more to happen but better days. It's like going down a rollercoaster - you can't wait for that feeling to be over, but you know that it will be over.
:)

Simple Pleasures

1. Picking apples from an orchard.
2. Singing along with the radio with the windows down in the car.
3. Singing and dancing in the rain.
4. Funny phone conversations - "he picked up the wooden spatula . . ." (lol)
5. Guitar lessons from friends ;)
6. Seeing a newborn baby.
7. Reading a book for pleasure.
8. Causing the smile on someone's face.
9. Colorful flowers in your living room.
10. Knowing that there are more simple pleasures in life.

:)

Playlist

Let me explain what I mean by playlist. My playlist tells a story. This one is just the titles. They express what I'm thinking/feeling. But the lyrics also reinforce those thoughts.

Last week my playlist consisted of:

1. Accidentally in Love ~Counting Crows
2. I wish I wasn't (in love with you) ~Heather Headley
3. Tu Amor Me Hace Bien ~Marc Anthony
4. La Tortura ~Shakira
5. Never Keeping Secrets ~Babyface

And now, with some careful thinking and reflection, my playlist is:

1. I'm good ~Blaque
2. I'm not your girl ~Lalaine
3. Thankful ~Kelly Clarkson
4. I believe ~Yolanda Adams
5. Baby it's cold outside ~Ella Fitzgerald
6. Crush ~Jennifer Paige
7. Miss Independent ~Kelly Clarkson
8. Make It Happen ~Mariah Carey
9. Never Keeping Secrets ~Babyface

:)
So what's on your playlist?

I Believe

Song to get you through:

I believe by Yolanda Adams (Honey Soundtrack)
They said you wouldn't make is so far uh uh
And ever since they said it, it's been hard
But nevermind the nights you had to cry
Cause you have never let it go inside
You worked real hard
And you know exactly what you want and need
So believe and you can never give up
You can reach your goals
Just talk to your soul and say…

(Chorus:)
I believe I can (I can)
I believe I will (I will)
I believe I know my dreams are real (know my dreams are real)
I believe I'll chant (Oh yea)
I believe I'll dance
I believe I'll grow real soon and (That's why)
That is what I do believe

Your goals are just a thing in your soul uh uh
And you know that your moves will let them show
You keep creating pictures in your mind
So just believe they will come true in time
It will be fine
Leave all of your cares and stress behind
Just let it go
Let the music flow inside
Forget all your pain
And just start to believe

(Chorus:)
I believe I can (I believe I can oh yea)
I believe I will
I believe I know my dreams are real (All of my dreams are real)
I believe I'll chant
I believe I'll dance (I gotta dance)
I believe I'll grow real soon and (ooo)
That is what I do believe
Whoa oa oa YEA…

(Music break)

Nevermind what people say
Hold your head high and turn away
With all our hopes and dreams
I will believe
Even though it seems it's not for me
I won't give up I'll keep it up
Look into the sky
I will achieve all my needs I will always believe….OoOo

(Chorus 2x)
I believe I can
I believe I will (I can)
I believe I know my dreams are real (I got strength)
I believe I'll chant
I believe I'll dance (I gotta dance)
I believe I'll grow real soon and (watch me watch me watch me)
That is what I do believe (I do believe in me)

I believe I can
I believe I will (oh yea)
I believe I know my dreams are real
I believe I'll chant
I believe I'll dance (I gotta dance)
I believe I'll grow real soon and
That is what I do believe (I do believe! yayeeyay)

Tu Amor Me Hace Bien

Song I'm lovin'

Tu Amore Me Hace Bien, Marc Anthony (off Valio La Pena)

Te quiero asi deliciosa insospechada
Porque creo en tu palabra
Porque yo siento que aun te necesito
Porque me alteras las ganas

Te quiero asi estruendosa y delicada
Entre alegria y nostalgia
Porque me gusta tenerte vida mia
Y no quiero que te vayas
Porque el amor cuando es verdad sale del alma
Nos aturde los sentidos
Y de pronto descubrimos que la piel
Se enciende en llamas

Bien, tu amor me hace bien
Tu amor me desarma
Ay, tu amor me controla
Me endulza, me encanta
Pero bien, tu amor me hace bien
Tu amor me desarma
Ay tu amor me controla
Me vence, me amarra
Mira que me hace bien,
ay,que me hace bien

Te quiero asi tan precisa equivocada
Con tus detalles que matan
Porque tenerte a mi lado me hace fuerte
Si eres mi reina y mi espada
Te quiero asi cuando ries cuando callas
Porque al caer me levantas
Porque mi voz y mi espiritu se agitan
Cuando dices que me amas
Porque tu amor como es verdad me vuelve el alma
Me despierta los sentidos
Y de pronto descubri que aqui en mi piel
Se encienden llamas

Ay bien, tu amor me hace bien
Tu amor me desarma
Tu amor me controla
Me endulza, me encanta

(ay como te quiero ay como te adoro
ay lolita linda tu eres mi tesoro)

Appreciation

Life Lesson # 28964: Appreciation

So, while many may just look at the events of the day with less than a thought - todays events showed me something. So on my way to school I waited at the bus stop in the rain and heavy winds. I waited at least 10 minutes in the cool, sudden temperature drop, when I spied the bus. Less than a block away. Relief and warmth were in my thoughts when my hat blew off. Okay, if I move than I might not get back before the bus gets back and I need to get to school, but for those of you that know me, you know I love my hats. So I did what you think I did - I went for the hat. And I made it back in time for the bus. So I got to work and didn't think anything of the events of the morning. So on the way back I wait at least 20 minutes for the bus (I'm not used to the schedule yet). I got on and because I'm not familiar with the stops I was let out a stop too late, so I had to cross a major road to get back. This time my umbrella turned inside out due to the wind, then my hat fell off, and this time was blown even further. At last I was home, after tracking through a little mud. The funny thing is - after I opened and closed the door behind myself I was so appreciative of having a warm home to come to. And for having a job so that I could make a living. We all love to complain when the going gets rough, but it's crucial that you appreciate everything that you DO have, even if you don't have all that you WANT. You are living so you probably have all that you NEED. God knows what he's doing, ay?

Girl, Put your records on

Song I'm lovin'

Put Your Records ON . . .Corrinne Bailey Rae
Three little birds, sat on my window.
And they told me I don't need to worry.
Summer came like cinnamon
So sweet,
Little girls double-dutch on the concrete.

Maybe sometimes, we got it wrong, but it's alright
The more things seem to change, the more they stay the same
Oh, don't you hesitate.

Girl, put your records on,
tell me your favourite song
You go ahead, let your hair down

Sapphire and faded jeans,
I hope you get your dreams,
Just go ahead, let your hair down.
You're gonna find yourself somewhere, somehow.

Blue as the sky, sombre and lonely,
Sipping tea in the bar by the road side,
(just relax, just relax)
Don't you let those other boys fool you,
Gotta love that afro hairdo.

Maybe sometimes, we feel afraid, but it's alright
The more you stay the same, the more they seem to change.
Don't you think it's strange?

Girl, put your records on, tell me your favorite song
You go ahead, let your hair down
Sapphire and faded jeans,
I hope you get your dreams,
Just go ahead, let your hair down.
You're gonna find yourself somewhere, somehow.

Just more than I could take, pity for pity's sake
Some nights kept me awake,
I thought that I was stronger
When you gonna realise, that you don't even have to
try any longer.Do what you want to.

Girl, put your records on, tell me your favorite song
You go ahead, let your hair down
Sapphire and faded jeans,
I hope you get your dreams,
Just go ahead, let your hair down.

Girl, put your records on, tell me your favourite song
You go ahead, let your hair down
Sapphire and faded jeans,
I hope you get your dreams,
Just go ahead, let your hair down.
Oh, you're gonna find yourself somewhere, somehow

Click

So it's not often that a movie impacts you, makes you think about the life you lead. I just watched the movie Click (with Adam Sandler) and it's about what you prioritize in life. We've all probably imagined being rich and famous and not having to do any chores; spending days upon days on vacation. But what about the road to getting there? Are you so busy at work that you don't have time to have lunch with your friends? Eat dinner with your family? Talk on the phone with your parents? There is so much more to life than work and then things that will make you monetarily successful. And if you neglect those things, then you will be on an island by yourself "enjoying" quality time. Too busy to eat properly? Health is a priority, spending time with family, enjoying nature, SLEEP - I'm really talking to myself, but do you see what I am saying? Sometimes we get caught up in the hustle and bustle, or the hype of demand, that we mistakenly define "importance" as a first come first served basis. Yes, at the end of the day you family will still love you, but why should they be placed on the back burner? What happened to working 5 days a week? Why Sat and/or Sunday? Why all the fast food and junk food? Why do we want flavored water? What happened to petting the dog and reading a book? And you are thinking - well the work needs to get done - but didn't it need to get done 30 years ago? They somehow managed to sustain a workable society. If we don't put limitations on what is acceptable then we are susceptible to anything - to being on call. Is it that important? Unless you are saving someone's life, take a moment and breathe. And enjoy that breath. What did you smell? What did it taste like? When we ignore moments like these we won't appreciate them later on when we have more than we could imagine.

There's so much more to say but I will save some for later.

Stumble

"Stumble" by Natasha Bedingfield

I'm not the kind of girl you bring to mother
I'm not the kind of girl you kiss in public
My manners leave a lot to be desired
At least in not a liar
I'm not about the subtle innuendo
More likely to throw rocks up at your window
Won't walk on eggshells so you don't hear the crazy things I'm saying when you get near me
I'd rather disappear than be faking it

[Chorus:]

Anyway, you like me yeah I know it
You're so transparent
How you stumble 'round those words so well
You like me there i said it
Don't need a dictionary helping me 'cause I can spell

My foot was in my mouth the day I met you
All my friends they said I'd never get you
But they don't know it when they see it
They need glasses to believe it
They don't understand so be it...
What can I say anyway

[Chorus]
Bridge

By the way you turn me on to your favorite band
By the way you lift me up when I'm fading
Breathe me in when I'm suffocating
Don't say that its's just because you can
Don't be stupid thinking I've misjudged you
I know enough to know when someone trusts you
Why fight it now it isn't gonna hurt you...

[Chorus]

Complicated

It's happening. Against my wishes, it's happening . . . we're growing up!! It' s been nearly a year since I graduated from college and in that year's span so much has happened. So many decisions are being made. So many complications. Remember when your hardest decision to make was
1) pen or pencil?
2) twinkie or kit kat?
3) double dutch or hopscotch?
4) pancakes or frenchtoast?

And then you passed kindergarden and elementary school and middle school brought it's own challenges

5) run for class president or secretary?
6) basketball or gymnastics?
7) larry or sarah as science partner?
8) train or bus?

High school was fun though. Those decisions shaped who you would become, how popular or unpopular you would be, and who your friends would or wouldn't be

9) Which club to join?
10) Which AP class to take?
11) Which college to apply?
12) Who to take to the prom?

And then college.
13) What's my major?
14) Not liking this, do I stick with it or switch?
15) Do I have time for a job?
16) Where am I going to live? With who?
17) Study or take a break?
18) Eat or sleep? <-- you guys know it came down to this!!
19) Pizza or Ramen?

And now the part that I'm talking about: growing up. Now everyone's making life decisions and they are getting complicated

20) Just got proposed to: yes or no?
21) kids or no kids? now or later?
22) Job relocated: move or quit?
23) grad school or work?
24) house or apt?

And the list goes on and on. And life gets more and more complicated, because there are bigger things at stake. But it's like this Choose Your Own Adventure where you can't flip the page and see what's going to happen. You actually have to go through with it, and most roads are not reversible. But we deal with the cards we are dealt. And you make your choices. You choose which path of the fork in the road you will progress and make your list with one less complication.

Wohoooo

God is Awesome!! In the midst of my personal storm, there is calm. I'm happy today - it's been a moody couple of weeks. I saw some payoff on something that I worked really hard for and it made me feel really good. It's hard to keep shoveling quicksand, ya know? (C'mon you guys have to get my metaphors, lol. But for those of you who don't - if you are falling at the same rate at the thing that you are shoveling then although you are doing work, you really aren't seeing any results). But things are good, the weather is beautiful, and I can do this!! So I'm excited about life today. And it feels good. :)

Song I'm liking: "I am not my hair": India.Arie [featuringAkon (remix)]

Check it out here:
http://www.rapnewsdirect.com/0-202-261145-00.html?tag=google

Love

I love You for what you have done for me
I love You for what you will do
I love You for accepting me as I am
but most of all, I love You for loving me unconditionally.

And no guys, I'm not talking about a guy, I'm talking about HIM!

Jesus Christ is risen! He is risen indeed!

Happy Easter!

Lesson's Learned

I'm telling you guys. Life is a journey and you gain so much knowledge along the way. For instance, I learned several important things this week:

1. It's a small small world. One of my friends' cousins is good friends with one of my homegirls. And I've heard his name in stories but never thought there would be a connection.
2. Be still. Sometimes it's good to just stand in the water and listen to the waves. I almost opened my mouth to get something off my chest. But it's a good thing I didn't. I could have made a relationship very awkward. Now things have changed and no one has to know what I was thinking; it's for the best.
3. Make some noise. Now this seems contradictory to number 2, but when you need to be heard about some injustice you deserve to be get it out, to vocalize it, even if it falls upon deaf ears. I'm still working on this one. But if if matters enough to you then you deserve to voice your opinion. If someone doesn't know that they make you mad then they can't fix it. Give them the opportunity.
4. Don't worry. "Cast your cares on Him." I've found that God most definitely has my back so there is no point in worrying about things that I have absolute no control over (and the list is huge).

This and many more lessons learned on the path called life.

~

Expression

I love to write. It's who I am. Writing is a way of expressing yourself: uncensored, unabbreviated. You can just get everything out on paper and then stand back and look at it; reread the words that were once simultaneous thoughts in your head. It's almost like going back in time - going to the exact moment of when you felt a certain way. And it's refreshing. Whenever I write - when I get my innermost thoughts on paper, I don't have to think about them anymore. I don't have to fear that I will forget what I was once thinking; those thoughts are safe, tucked away somewhere.

And I love to talk. Not chit chat - but those meaningful conversations. Those conversations where you ask the question - what would you do in this scenario - and the answer is meaningless to a point, but it opens up a whole new arena, a story, or a chain of events that the other person wants to share with you. And you want to listen; you're not thinking of your own answer, but you are purely listening to what they have to say; gasping at the surprises, and laughing at the irony of it all. And it's great. One day I'd like to tell a great story (in a book) and have you read it and get something out of it. My purpose has always been to have a positive impact on society, and I think we all impact eachother in different ways. I love to write, so I hope that my writing impacts you, makes you think of things in your life, makes you question things that you do but you think are wrong, makes you want to argue with me and tell your side of things, but most of all, makes you think. Because in today's society, we are doing less and less thinking, and just taking "Bob's" word for it. George Santayana says "Those who cannot learn from history are doomed to repeat it." I rightly believe this. There is no point in you making the same mistake that I did. You do not have to touch the fire if I have burned myself already. I want my stories to be a part of your history, and yours a part of mine. If we all live in the world without trying to coexist, then society as a whole is doomed. But if I can learn from you and you from me, then we are so much for the better.

Ahhhhhh, I feel good du nuh nuh nuh nuh nuh nuh . . I knew that I would now . . so good . .tuh tuh . .so good . . .now that I got youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu (I love to sing songs as well) :)

Why do we want "it"?

There's a great line from my all-time favorite movie, Brown Sugar, "Why doesn't your heart do what your brain tells it to?" And it's true, why can't we tame our feelings, even feelings that we don't want to have? Why have a crush on someone unattainable/undesirable? Why want food that you are allergic to? Why want to visit places you will never see? It's a paradox. You know that you can't have it, but you still want it. And you can't stop yourself from wanting it, because, regardless of the fact that you know you can't have it, you just want to have it. And you get angry at yourself for thinking of it, when again, you know that you can't have it.

So life is funny. I don't even want "it," (or whatever your "it" may be). I just like the idea of "it" and it's not the best idea to have; and if I ever did get "it" I'd probably be highly dissappointed, but still I want "it." I want to know what it was like to have "it" and then after that I'd be done wanting "it." I wouldn't keep "it" for a long time, just something to cross off on the to-do list.

I'm working on not wanting "it." Easier said than done.

Blah . .and so much more.

I had a math test today. I think it went all right - much better than the math tests from last term. But now I'm feeling kinda blah. I just had some ice cream so that made me feel good, but there's so much work to do. And today is Ash Wednesday. I had planned to go to service today, but it's too late now, I would never make it in time. For Lent I'm giving up addictions. I'm kinda addicted to being online - AIM, myspace, facebook, you konw the drill. I can't give up AIM completely because I need to stay in touch with people (plus sometimes I discuss homework) but I am definitely limiting myself more. And I'm giving up myspace and facebook for the time. It'll be tough, because I'm so used to knowing what's going on everywhere, but I imagine it will save me lots of time in the long run. It's more fun talking to people in real life than in cyber world, even if you really do know them. I love good phone conversations and there's a lot of people that I owe calls - I haven't forgotten about you guys, I've just been geniunely busy. Just think, this will all be over in June - I won't have to balance life between classes and research - I can just do my research. It's going to be intense, because I want a lot of data for my qualifiers in August, which I will pass!! I'm very nervous about that but I have to think optimistically. Sigh . . .just so much on my plate it's a bit overwhelming, but remember freshman year . .remember Venkat physics? I seriously remember contemplating whether I should switch majors - just because of physics - but you know what, I made it out. And although I didn't do stellar in physics, it didn't affect my whole degree. In other words, try your best, but don't let every little pitfall cause you to think that you will fail. That's the thing that I will have to remember.

And about that guy - guy, shmy. Forget about him for 40+ days also. He's getting out of the picture as the days go by.

As for my "friend" who I thought was truly trying to change and be a friend to me, just like every other ditcher he was insensitive and only cared to talk about himself. I gave him another chance, and he spoiled it. I forgave him. But deep down inside I realize I don't need his friendship. It sucks that he can't understand why he does things that make me upset, but I don't think he even tries to understand - he tells me that I take things too seriously, or I overanalyze situations. No, I don't. And while I may take some things out of proportion - just try to understand where I am coming from. Just because I laugh or smile a lot does not mean that EVERYTHING in life has to be all fun and games - no there is a serious side to things and whether or not you relate to how it affects me, at least try to understand that different people react to the same situation differently. And sadly enough, he'll never read this, but just remember that the next time a friend gets mad at you - perhaps their perception of what happened is much different and it affects them more personally.

Current Status

Alright, so here's the current status. I'm over that guy that I had a crush on that I shouldn't like. Valentine's Day was great - I'm ok with being single. And I'm doing my thing at school. There's so much more to write, but I'm kinda tired and I need to clean, so off I go.

Being Perfect

Don't waste your time. I just finished reading Anna Quindlen's Being Perfect and I was extremely dissappointed. It had so much potential to be a book to tell you not to worry about the small things in life and not holding onto perfection. Rather, I felt like I was listening to her think out loud. Seriously - how did this get published. Fortunately, it was an easy read so I only wasted an hour or so of my time (half of which I was on the shuttle, so I didn't really waste too much), but I wouldn't waste my time with this book. It gets the thumbs down.